Why Victims of Domestic Violence Should Never Be Blamed for Not Leaving

When someone hears that a person is in an abusive relationship, the first question they often ask is, “Why don’t they just leave?” This question, while seemingly simple, places blame on the victim instead of the abuser. Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous, complicated, and emotionally fraught decisions a person can make. Victims of domestic violence face a complex web of psychological, physical, financial, and social barriers that can make leaving feel impossible.

One of the most critical factors to understand is the increase in danger that occurs when a victim tries to leave. Studies have shown that the risk of serious harm or even death significantly rises during and after separation from an abuser. Abusers often use threats of violence, retaliation, or harm to children or pets to maintain control. In many cases, the abuser escalates their behavior when they sense they are losing control. For victims, the act of leaving can be the most life-threatening moment in the entire cycle of abuse.

A major factor that prevents victims from leaving is coercive control. This is a pattern of behavior used by abusers to dominate every aspect of a victim’s life, including who they talk to, where they go, how they spend money, and what they wear. Coercive control is subtle and insidious—it chips away at a person’s self-worth and independence over time. Victims may be isolated from friends and family, made to feel incapable of surviving alone, or forced into dependency through financial manipulation. The result is a feeling of entrapment that outsiders may not see.

In addition to physical and psychological threats, victims often stay because they fear not being believed or supported if they do leave. Systems like the justice system, child welfare, and even friends and family can sometimes respond with skepticism, judgment, or victim-blaming. Victims may also worry about homelessness, losing custody of their children, or the stigma associated with being in an abusive relationship. These are very real fears, and the lack of a strong safety net can keep someone in a dangerous situation.

Instead of asking why victims stay, we should be asking how we can make it safer and more possible for them to leave. This includes educating ourselves and others about coercive control, advocating for resources like emergency shelters, counseling, and legal support, and above all, offering compassion instead of criticism. Victims of domestic violence are not weak or foolish—they are doing what they need to survive. The responsibility for abuse always lies with the abuser, never the victim.

5 Reasons You Should Hire a Life Coach

Life Coaching is quickly becoming recognized among helping professionals as one of the best and fastest mediums for producing lasting positive change in people's lives, but many people are still unaware or confused about what coaching actually is and what the tangible benefits of working with a coach might be.  I would like to quickly define what coaching is and outline some of the reasons why someone might seriously consider working with a coach.
  
Coaching is a "Professional Partnership" in which the coach and client define the client's goals for positive change and work together on an active strategy that will achieve that outcome (in other words what it is the client wants and what is the quickest and best way for them to get it).  Coaches and clients can either work together in person or by phone/Skype usually for regular weekly sessions, during which short and long term goals are defined, strategies are developed and challenges or barriers to success are dissected and overcome.  Throughout the process the coach acts not as a counsellor, consultant or advice giver, but as an expert facilitator armed with various tools and techniques that are designed to empower the client, unlock strategies and solutions, uncover hidden resources and supports, engage the client's intrinsic motivation and accountability and ensure the client's progress and success is maintained over time. 

The coach uses powerful thought provoking questions and conversational techniques that allow the client to access their highest sources of inner resourcefullness, wisdom and insights, approach challenges and limitations from new perspectives, open up to creative solutions and unique approaches, control limiting beliefs and self sabotaging tendencies and break through barriers that have held them back from achieving their goals.  

Coaching is always solution and future focused in that the orientation of the session is always directed towards what the client wants to achieve and resourceful ways of approaching situations, vs. a "problem focused" methodology where time and energy is spent discussing past problems and ruminating over current dissatisfaction.  In other words, when a problem or challenge is identified, the coach's job is to re-orient the client's attention and focus towards what they would like to see happen in relation to the problem  or challenge (what they want and are moving towards vs what they don't want and are moving away from) and what is within their control to do or change that will move them forward in a positive direction.  

If you have ever wondered if working with a coach might be right for you, the following are strong indicators that coaching would be an effective avenue to pursue:  

1. You are experiencing some degree of dissatisfaction with your current life or at least one aspect of your life.  Dissatisfaction + Vision + First Steps >Resistance to Change.  Most of us are keenly aware of what we are dissatisfied with but are often at a loss to how to make a change or are on some level resistant to taking first steps towards making a change.  A coach provides the necessary support and expertise needed in developing a vision and action plan with their client and helping them to overcome the resistance holding them back.


2. You are already working on a personal or professional goal but are overwhelmed and/or are not making the progress you would like.  Coaches are highly effective at helping to break down goals into manageable steps and stages, defining priorities and developing an organizational structure for progress and completion.

3. You are prone to having great ideas about what you would like to accomplish then talking yourself out of it by engaging in negative self chatter and limiting beliefs.  Working with a coach can help to curb and eliminate self sabotaging thoughts, behaviors and actions and replace them with resourceful thinking strategies and viable action steps.

4. You often start a project with energy and enthusiasm but quickly lose interest or procrastinate indefinitely.  A coach can help clients to maintain motivation and accountability towards their goals over time and can facilitate ways to measure progress and achievement to the completed outcome. 


5. You have achieved a good deal of success in your personal and/or professional life and are now wondering "what's next for me?".  A coach can help you define and assess your core values and strengths, the contributions you ultimately want to make in life and put you in touch with your direction, goals and purposeful vision for the future.  

If coaching sounds like your next best step, be sure to look for a coach who is credentialed through a professional association such as the International  Coach Federation (ICF), and feel free to interview 2 or 3 potentially suitable coaches to find the best fit for your needs. For information on what coaching services that I personally provide, information on the process of coaching and motivational coaching articles in my blog, I invite you to visit my website www.taraenns.com

Is it Time for an Energy Tune-up?

With the coming of the new year, the ideas of fresh starts and resolutions for positive change are all around us, and while some people are easily able to dive right into the spirit of goal setting and achievement, a good portion of the population doesn't have the mental and/or emotional energy to even think about setting and achieving even the smallest of goals.  Whether it be due to post holiday exhaustion, financial strain following holiday spending, or seasonal blues with the colder weather and shorter days, many people around this time of year are plagued by isolation, inertia, and overall sluggishness, and feel marginalized from those who are able to jump into the new year easily.  If this is sounding familiar, there are a few things you can try to get some of your energy flowing again.

1. Avoid the pressure to make big sweeping (often unrealistic) "resolutions". Setting goals that are too grandiose or long term when you are already in an emotional or energetic low is just overwhelming and can heighten any feelings of discontent and negative self awareness if the goal isn't getting off to a running start.  Instead take baby steps - set small achievable realistic goals for each day so that you can feel accomplished and celebrate your achievents on a daily basis.  If you are absolutely set on a long term goal, then be sure to break it down into smaller manageable sub goals or daily steps and avoid focusing on the goal as a huge whole unless the completed vision somehow feeds into your motivation.  

2. Take a look at how you spend your emotional energy - are you using up valuable reserves by harboring old angers and resentments?  The Ontological release of anger (a state of being you choose and step into vs. psychological analysis of pros and cons) not only frees the person or people you've perhaps held anger towards but also frees up all the energy used to hold and feed the anger.  Make a list of the things from the past you are ready to let go of and see where else that energy can be used more effectively.  

3.Try something creative - having an artistic outlet can do wonders for the "soul".  Release the need to judge the outcome - it doesn't matter if it is "good" or not, just the act of expressing thoughts or feelings creatively opens up dormant energy centers and facilitates a connecting doorway between the unconscious and conscious minds that will support your alignment with your "higher self". 

4. Take an inventory of energy draining hazzards around you -  Are you surrounded by people who drain and exhaust you?  Are you taking on issues of others that don't belong to you?  Do you give your power away by letting other people invade your emotional space?  If the answer to any of these is yes then it's time to reevaluate your personal space boundaries and remind yourself that you have choice as to when, how and with whom you invest your energies.  We can't always cut energy drainers out of our lives but we can change ourselves in relation to them and control how we allow them to affect us.  

5. Listen to your body and respect its needs - if you are physically exhausted and need to sleep, give yourself permission to do that but be sure that when and how much you are sleeping is ecological to your life and well being - if you are sleeping a lot during the day as a way of avoiding or withdrawing, this may be a sign of a different issue then just low energy.  Don't get me wrong, I support and adore good afternoon naps but too much daytime sleep can be counter effective in ramping energy and can have a negative psychological effect on people.  As we've all heard many times a good nights sleep is optimal and hugely important for mental and physical health so perhaps it's about getting to bed a bit earlier and ensuring that best "sleep hygiene" practices are incorporated into the nightly routine. 

6. Clear your space - they say a cluttered home creates a cluttered mind.  I know for myself this is very true and that I function much better in a clean and well organized space.  If doing this all in one shot is too overwhelming then go back to step one and break tasks down into baby steps - even cleaning out one small drawer a day will feel like a good accomplishment and continued over time, will lead to a big impact.  

7. Get reacquainted with your "best self" - who are you when you are functioning at your very best?  What's different about you then?  What do people notice most that's positive and what are the qualities you possess that inform that? These are the qualities that are most likely core values you posses - more states of being then action words (e.g. Fun, adventurous, peaceful, strong, kind etc.) Make a list of those qualities and pick two or three that resonate for you the strongest making them part of your daily intention.  "Today I will bring my qualities of fun and adventure to every situation and interaction"

8. Remember to reach out - if these dark days of winter have you hibernating in isolation, chances are people close to you are feeling the same way too. Nothing can give you boost like a good laugh with a friend - it's really true that laughter is the best medicine.  Or, maybe it's just about the peace and validation that comes from knowing someone else feels the same way you do. 

9. Move your body - you've heard this one before but here goes, exercise is your body's natural anti depressant.  Again, if it's not the time for a lofty intense fitness goal start small - even a 15 minute walk in the cold air can be enough to invigorate and refresh. 

10. Consider working with a professionally trained Life or Personal Development Coach -  At the risk of making a shameless endorsement of my own profession, it's well documented that working with a professional coach can help a person define realistic and achievable goals for positive change, develope a viable strategy and action plan, capitalise on motivators and available resources and see the goals through to completion.   

I wish all of you a Happy and Fulfilling New Year and if yours is getting off to a slower then desired start, I encourage you to give at least one or two of the above suggestions a whirl - there's no harm in trying and the results may just surprise and energize you. 

Are You Killing Your Confidence?

True confidence is one of those things we often see in other people and wish we had more of, but many times we don't realise that there are things we do to ourselves that kill the confidence we already posses and limit the confidence we are trying to develop.  I would like to discuss the six biggest things that negatively affect confidence the most in the people I work with.


1. Over Generalizing of the Negative:


Over Generalizing of the Negative is a default thought pattern many people turn to where they take a small imperfection and/or one bad experience they have within a situation and turn it into a globalized internal belief around their overall skill level such as "I forgot one part of my presentation therefore the whole thing went poorly and I am a terrible presenter"  or "I cheated on my eating plan today, therefore I will never become a healthy person"  or
" I did not get the last job I applied for so that means I will never find a job"  (Be watchful for words in your thinking like 'always' or 'never' - almost always the sign of an over generalization)  When you catch yourself in this kind of thinking, it is important to ask yourself how true are the conclusions you are drawing in reality -and what is the actual evidence that supports that whole conclusion.  If you were to look at yourself objectively as if you were a detached camera or from a fly on the wall perspective would what you see match that conclusion or is only a fraction of it true and if so, what is a better more realistic conclusion that can be drawn? 


2. All or Nothing Thinking:


Related to overgeneralizing is All or Nothing Thinking - the kissing cousin to Perfectionism, when one might feel that if they can't do something absolutely perfectly it means they have no business doing it at all.  This kind of thinking magnifies setbacks and small hurdles into gross stumbling blocks that hold all kinds of people back from trying or doing new things, or making small and steady improvements on things they are working on.  When this kind of thinking occurs it is important to remember that the idea of perfection is in many ways an impossible concept that does not need to be the end outcome goal for the things we want to try, and that something that isn't 100% perfect can still be excellent and have value.  Sometimes the real value in doing something is the gradual process of developing a fledgling skill and the learning involved in mistakes that happen along the way. 


3. Confirmation Bias and Negative Filter


Another huge thinking pitfall that kills confidence are two similar concepts of  Confirmation Bias and Negative Filter.  Confirmation Bias occurs when we carry a limiting Belief about our self or our skill level and then only notice and focus our attention on facts or evidence that "proves" or confirms that belief, and ignore all evidence that is to the contrary - e.g. only noticing and focusing the one person out of 100 texting during your presentation and ignoring the 99 who were listening attentively and then thinking "See, I knew I would bore people".  To the same effect,  a Negative Filter is when we look at all the feedback we receive around our efforts and only hang onto the parts that support our negative belief system filtering out all the rest e.g.  getting 1 poor evaluation after speaking and 27 positive ones and then thinking "I did a horrible job - that person hated what I did".  It is really important here again to look at the situation objectively and to remember that we don't always know the context of the feedback we get and that we shouldn't automatically personalize it- was the person texting responding to an emergency?  Had they just forgotten to turn off their phone?  Was the feedback on the poor evaluation actually valid or just mean spirited and if it was valid can it just be seen as room for growth and improvement and not a generalized attack on your skills?


4. Over Use of Self Comparison:


I work with many clients who hold themselves back because of their preoccupation with where they rank in comparison to other people in their professional fields or interpersonal peer group.  People can be quite brutal towards themselves when they view their own perceived worth against the backdrop of others' accomplishments, experience, educational level, professional or social status, fitness, age and physical appearance, and stop themselves from doing, trying and engaging in really great things in fear of being lesser than others.  I feel it is really important to focus our attention on our own individual goals and measures of success that we set for ourselves that are not externally referenced to others.  Setting small but important personal goals and building in ways of measuring and celebrating success for each stage of achievement is really helpful with this and just involves some "self coaching":  


1. What is it I want to do or try?
2. Why is this important to me or what is the value in this?
3. How will I know when I am successful or doing well?
4. If the goal is large long term or overwhelming, what are smaller steps within it that are achievable in the short term? 


It is also really important to consciously remind oneself that all people are unique and are in different places and stages on their life's journey, career path, education etc.  and that we are never 100% privy to their internal/external struggles, confidence levels, (it may interest you to know that I have worked with many very accomplished people who still lack their own internal confidence) existing support systems and the context as to why and how they may appear more accomplished or successful,  and at the end of the day, where they are is irrelevant to where you are on your own journey. 


5. Persistent Negative Self Talk:


My clients come to me because they want to achieve certain things but haven't (to this point) been able to.  I can't tell you how often I hear them say things in relation to their own goals like:

"I just cant do that kind of thing"

"It's just not that easy"

"I'm not that kind of person"

"That would be too hard"

"I'm not good at that"

"I'm too nervous"

"That would never work for me"

"I don't have those kind of skills"

"People don't see me that way"

These are the kinds of things people actually say out loud to me all the time - if this is what they are telling another person about themselves just imagine what they are saying to themselves in their own minds!  The words we use in our thoughts and speech form our feelings and resulting actions.  These words are, a lot of the time, representative of habitual speech and language patterns that create a negative inner recording loop that repeats over and over in the unconscious mind like a bad repeating soundtrack.  Imagine if a person was actually hearing these messages from a real person towards them all day every day - we would probably call that emotional abuse or bullying and yet this is what lots and lots of people do to themselves. 


When I hear this kind of self talk going on, the first thing I do is point out that these things are Beliefs (Limiting Beliefs) and are most likely not based in any actual fact.  We hold onto Limiting Beliefs because they are, most of the time, self protective and stop us from taking risks that might result in some kind of embarrassment.  The downside to that protection is that is goes too far and can prevent any kind of risk taking  " I am probably bad at that so I shouldn't try it and if I don't try it I won't fail at it." and it is this kind of thinking that keeps a lot of people unfortunately stuck and feeling badly about themselves. 


The nice thing about Limiting Beliefs is they can be changed and corrected because they are ultimately just habits, but like any habit, you have to be conscious of it and want to change it.  To help my clients start changing their Limiting Beliefs, I often request that they carry a little notebook around and record their inner self talk throughout the day, especially when they find themselves feeling low or nervous about something.  I have never had a client fail to be shocked at how pervasive and damaging their own self talk was once they actually saw what it was on paper.  After the initial consciousness raising occurs, the next step is to change the negative belief at work into a belief that is more true and empowering that still serves the same protective purpose as the limiting one but doesn't hold the person back  e.g. "I don't have the skills to do this" can be replaced with "I have the skills to take the first baby step" or "Everyone who accomplishes this has had to start at the beginning".  Changing beliefs takes time and practise but it definitely can be done.


6. Negative Visual Pictures


the last confidence killer I want to mention is the negative picture file we carry in our unconscious minds or the way we see our self in relation to the world around us.  When faced with situations or people who make us feel small or inferior, often there is a visual representation present in our minds that affects how we feel and ultimately act going into that situation.  If you can relate to a situation, person or group of people who seem to have a negative impact on your confidence, try bringing up a picture of yourself in that low-confidence scenario in your mind.  Try to recall the situation in as much detail as possible and then allow yourself to see it unfold as is if you are detached and watching it like a movie.  Watch yourself - how do you appear?  What is your body language like?  Do you look like you do in real life or different somehow (younger, older, from an earlier time period in your life etc.) Do you appear scared?  Helpless?  How do you appear in relation to others around you in the picture - do you look nervous while they seem relaxed?  Are they physically menacing?  Do you appear small and they appear large?  Is the picture in colour and you are in black and white?  These are some of the images my clients have seen when they have done this and are they ways they are surprised to learn that they perceive themselves in relation to their environments in certain situations. 

Once you are clear on the visual "Low Confidence You"  take a break from that picture and remember a time when you felt really relaxed and confident.  Repeat the process of watching this new movie but this time notice all the things about you that signify confidence.  Once that movie feels salient and complete, then go back to the low confidence movie and take out the "Low Confidence You" and Replace it with the "High Confidence Picture". Take a moment and watch how the whole scene mood and energy changes and adjusts to the confident you in a good way.  The final step is to merge yourself into the picture and feel yourself become the confident you in that scenario.  This may seem like a lot of mental gymnastics, but for extremely stressful and anxiety provoking situations, it is an extremely powerful and effective visualization technique that with practise can be done in under 5 minutes. 


When it comes to confidence, we are often our own worst enemies and self saboteurs so it's important to remember that thoughts impact feelings, feelings impact actions and actions ultimately impact outcomes so if we choose to think different thoughts that promote better overall confidence and better actions the actual outcomes we end up with can change for the better as well. 

Accessing Sources of Inner Knowledge

One of the foundations of coaching is the principle that the client contains the answers they need within them and is therefore always the most knowledgeable "expert in their own life". As such, the coach's role is to act not as the advisor, but instead, as a facilitator in assisting the client to access their own answers and insights.  The challenge is that most of us are so practised at asking for advice externally and discounting our own thoughts and instincts,  we have forgotten how to "go within" and listen to ourselves for guidance. Being able to ask ourselves a question and come up with our own answer or solution is ultimately much more empowering for us then accepting (well intentioned) advice from external sources, because our own unconscious contains all of the context, emotions and history around our individual lives and situations to make the best informed judgement and decisions. 

There are lots of really great ways of helping people re-establish their connection to their own unconscious guidance systems, but one of my favourites that I use often with my clients when they seem really stuck or in need of guidance is an effective visualization technique called "The Library of Deeper Knowledge and Answers". When introducing this to my clients, I do it as a guided visualization, but once they know how it goes, it is a technique they can use as often as they like on their own for any kind of question they are wanting insight into.  Types of situations this technique can be useful for range from ways to to deal with a troubling work situation, what steps are needed in working towards a plan or goal or more emotionally based questions such as what might be missing in one's life or ways to heal or resolve difficult and upsetting situations. 

If you would like to try using a technique like this for a question or situation you are finding challenging, it goes like this:  

First, develop your question - open ended questions are best and could be phrased in ways such as:

• "What do I currently need to understand about.....?"  
• "What are the first steps I need to take in order to...?"
• "What are some ways that I can start to....?"   
• "What are the things holding me back from...?

Once you are clear on what you would like to know, find a comfortable place to sit or lie down, relax yourself and close your eyes (Yes falling asleep does happen when learning how to visualise or meditate, but that's normal and happens less and less with practise)

When you are ready, start to see and/or feel yourself walking down a path or road in a peaceful setting - this could be a relaxing place you have been to in reality or somewhere new designed by your imagination. 

As you continue to walk, off in the distance you start to see the form of a building or structure emerge. (Spending some time developing the scenery in detail and making it as salient as possible serves the purpose of relaxing the mind further and bringing you into a deeper more imaginative state). 

As you get close to this structure, you see that it is some type of library.  

Continue to walk towards it, and let yourself go inside, knowing that inside you will find a very special book that has the answer to the question(s) you designed.  State the question to yourself and allow your imagination to start to guide you. 

As you stand inside the entrance to this library, you see that there are thousands and thousands of books, but allow yourself to feel certain that you will somehow know how to find exactly the book you need for your particular question.

As you start to move through the library, let your instincts guide you to where you feel it is right to go and know that the book will present itself to you in some way.  You might be guided to a particular shelf where one book looks bigger than the rest or seems to be illuminated in some way.  Some of my clients are drawn to one book sitting alone on a table or a book might draw your attention by falling off a shelf in front of you - the way it presents itself will be different for everyone and is up to your imagination. 

Once you have found the book you feel you are meant to look at, take a moment to notice how it appears or feels in your hands.  I have had clients come up with some extraordinary insights based on just the physical appearance of their books alone so it's important to remember there are no "wrong" impressions.  Allow yourself to notice things like: 

• What does it look like - is it old and weathered or new and modern? 
• Is it a textbook? A picture book? A chapter book? Etc.
• If there is a picture on the front, what does that picture mean to you?
• Does the book remind you of something or someone?
• What colour is the cover and what does that colour mean to you?  
• Does the book have a title and if so what is it?
• Is the book heavy or light or big or small and what might that signify in terms of your question? 

Now open the book and allow the full answer to your question to present itself to you.  There might be pages with lots of writing or just one single word.  There might be pictures or diagrams.  There might be sounds or symbols that jump out at you - whatever you see or notice about the book is the answer to your question.  If you feel as though you aren't getting, understanding or seeing the information, not to worry, just ask yourself some questions of clarification to help bridge the gap between your conscious and unconscious mind e.g. "What might this mean to me?"  "What does the colour/word/feeling remind me of?"   "How can the concept of ____help me right now?" 

Be patient with yourself as you get used to this kind of non-linear thinking.  Our unconscious speaks to us in abstracts, riddles and symbols and so often the information we get might not appear concretely at first.  I remember one of my clients becoming extremely frustrated during this process because the book she was being shown was completely full of blank pages.  She thought that she was making a mistake and "doing this all wrong", however, when I asked why the concept of "blank pages" might be meaningful to her in her particular situation, she suddenly had an important insight into the need to clean her emotional slate, rid herself of toxic anger she was holding onto and free herself from a negative interpersonal relationship that was distracting her and getting in the way of her true focus - now who would guess you could get all that from a simple blank page!  

Another client, who was experiencing problems implementing some small business goals was not able to turn the pages past the Table of Contents where "Chapter One" was highlighted at the top of the page.   When he asked for what he was supposed to understand from that, he had a realization that he had missed some important formative market research steps while putting together his business plan and needed to revisit those "chapter one" issues in order to then move forward.  The point is that however the book is appearing or not appearing to you will contain valuable symbolic information, just be patient, trust your unconscious and ask for clarity if what you are being shown seems confusing at first. 

Over the years I have truly enjoyed introducing this technique to my clients, as I am constantly inspired and intrigued by all the different books and forms of insight that they come up with in answer to their questions  -  and all from their very own minds.  I invite you to give this a try and hope that you will be intrigued and inspired by your own inner library in this way too. 

  

Identity Based Decision Making

Experiencing one of the coldest and longest winters I can remember in a long time, like many people I am finding myself in an uncomfortable negative space where self-descriptor words I might use would include gems such as " irritable, withdrawn, sluggish, in a rut, bored and generally kind of miserable.  Being a Personal Development Coach, one might think I'd be immune to these un-resourceful states of mind, however, also being human, that is not always the case.  Fortunately though, I have become quite practised at recognizing when I have fallen into this kind of thinking, feeling and acting, and can often "self-coach' myself into a more resourceful and adaptive way of being.  

(Note:  I want to be clear that I am not directing this article towards people who are suffering from diagnosed or undiagnosed clinical depression/biochemical imbalance, nor am I implying that clinical depression is the result of un-resourceful thinking.  However, I do believe that resourceful thinking strategies can be helpful in addition to other forms of therapy and treatment for depression)

One of the ways I have found to be effective in turning around negative internal states is an intentional living skill I like to call "Identity Based Decision Making" and it goes like this:  When I think of the concept of one's identity, I define it as who we are when we are acting out our highest-self or at our very best and most fulfilled, and all of the qualities and values that come together within us that inform that state.  For those of you who are new to my way of thinking around identity and core values, I invite you to visit my earlier posts, particularly one called "Knowing Who We Really Are", but in a nut shell, our values are the building blocks of who we are, and are the traits that inform, guide and motivate us intrinsically.  When we are feeling happy and balanced, it is usually because we are, in some way, acting in alignment with our best-self versus falling into self sabotaging behaviours and patterns, buying into our limiting beliefs and making poor daily choices based on low motivation and pervasive un-resourceful thinking.   

So, having said that, when I find myself  falling back into lower-self negative thinking, persistent states of "blah" for lack of a better word, poor motivation and self sabotaging behavior I try my best to consciously reacquaint myself with my most important core values and sense of identity - or in other words "Who am I when I feel like I am at my very best and what are the qualities that define 'me' in that state?"  Usually one or two out of my list of value words will resonate or feel strongest for me at any given time and emerge as my focus or starting point.  Once I am clear on what my key value words are, then I make an intentional effort throughout the day to concentrate my energy, behaviour, decision making (big and small) and manner of overall presentation based on those qualities.

To make this a bit more concrete using myself as an example, the most salient "identity qualities" I am intentionally aligning with these days are the qualities of "Grace", "Productivity"  and "Fun" (not necessarily related to each other, but all big buzz words for me right now each in their own way) and so when faced with minute to minute decisions throughout the day, ranging from the mundane to bigger life questions, I consciously try to approach them from the vantage points of those qualities.  Part of doing this effectively is being very aware of what my thoughts are around the various choices I am making and constantly ensuring they are aligning with my focused identity words ( yes, I seem to talk to myself an awful lot lately!) 

 

Examples of this self alignment questioning might be:

1. What are the qualities I want to embody most today or in this situation? 
2. How would a graceful person handle or approach this situation/conflict/ conversation?
3. How would a productive person spend the next hour of free time best?
4. If I was being a productive person, what would be the first thing I would do right now?
5. What might be a fun way to motivate my kids in this situation?
6. What is the best meal choice for breakfast based on wanting to be productive today?
7. How would a graceful person carry herself in this meeting?
8. How do I speak with my child about this issue from a state of grace or fun versus frustration/irritability?
9. When I have felt more productive at other times in my life, what was I doing differently that I could start to do again now?
10. How can I bring more fun into the morning school routine?

 

I am not saying that every negative mood can always be turned around by doing just this, however I do find for both myself and for my clients it can be useful as a re-focusing/re-orientation tool for making better choices throughout the day, such that over time, all of those small choices add up to an overall improved physical/mental/emotional state of being.  At the very least, is a great way to practise the skill of living consciously and with intention, which is always at the foundation of creating lasting and positive change. 

Finding Strength and Grace Through Suffering

Recently I've had a number of clients speak with me about serious emotional issues in their lives around loss, separation and different kinds of traumatic change.  For most of us, dealing with the loss of a loved one, the pain of divorce or separation or other sudden traumatic disruptions to our lives leaves us feeling alone, isolated and in a seemingly hopeless  place.  It is during these times we often feel helpless with limited options for help and support, and even less energy and motivation to think and act resourcefully for ourselves.  Through my work with my coaching clients, my past experience as a grief and trauma counsellor and my own life experience, I have learned that sometimes our darkest and most painful experiences can not only strengthen and make us more resilient, but can also provide us with unique and unexpected opportunities for growth, learning and positive self transformation. 

I invite you to consider that pain, sadness and grief don't exist in isolation but silently coexist with pathways to higher levels of personal development and consciousness.  If you think about it, when we are drifting along happily with no upsetting issues or concerns, we tend to coast and enjoy the ride and it is not typically a time when we actively engage in self reflection or ways to improve ourselves.  In other words, for most, when things are good, there is often lower motivation to initiate positive change. However, when things are terribly wrong, our attention becomes forcibly drawn to the areas in our lives that need change, healing and repair.  Negative emotional states can have positive side effects for us that we can't immediately see or be conscious of, but they are there nonetheless.  Sometimes going through difficult times can show us our qualities,skills or sources of strength we didn't know we had or needed.  Sometimes an emotionally vulnerable state can bring out softer aspects of our personalities such as inner grace or compassion that in turn, deepens our connection to others. 

The process of grief or suffering can highlight or draw your focus to things in your life that might be requiring your attention such as relationship issues that have been ignored or unresolved parts of our self we have been neglecting.  As well, through pain, a deeper level of consciousness can be achieved, through which one can explore their darker or shadow self, or the aspects of the self that produce anger, fear, jealousy, sadness and shame, and then channel and transform those energies into something more adaptive.  Throughout history we have seen how great works of creative expression such as art, music and literature have often come through loss, pain and suffering, as emotional despair becomes a vehicle for producing something of beauty and inspiration.  More recently, we have seen how when horrible tragedies occur such as the fall of the World Trade Centre Towers or the very recent Newtown shootings, a new connection forms between groups of people who would normally never come together or a new culture of support and good will develops out of shared sadness. 

I have had the fortune to see some examples in my own work, of the way in which grief and sadness has transformed itself into more positive states of grace and connection to the self and others.  Recently I worked with a client dealing the sudden death of a parent, who had been abusive to her throughout her childhood.  The death of this parent brought up many painful past memories as well as a substantial amount of present day family fallout and separation.  Throughout this ordeal, my client was able to focus on what the possible meaning of this experience was for her in terms of moving forward in her current life and the lives of her young family.  In confronting the painful and conflicted emotions she was experiencing, she consciously chose to channel the energy of her suffering into healing other areas of life.  In our last session, she reported that not only had a creative outlet opened for her in terms of her writing and music, but that upon reflecting on her past abuse, she had started to ask herself who her identity was now within her own family and about the kind of parent she wanted to be versus remaining focused on the grief she felt about kind of parent she had never had.  As a result of her transforming her pain into personal growth, she found that almost instantly her relationship with her own children was starting to noticeably improve, strengthen and develop, and that as a result, her children's self expression and behaviour were positively changing as well.  In other words, her pain and loss became the gateway to a deeper connection with the people most important in her life.
Another client of mine recently suffered the loss of a close friend while at the same time dealing with her own physical recovery after a serious accident.  In dealing with her grief and feelings of isolation, she began to reflect on the concept of "Gratitude" and lost opportunities to express it to certain people who had touched her life.  Her reflection inspired her to action and she used her recovery time to begin writing individual letters of thanks to people in her lifetime who had supported and helped her in some way.  Through her act of good will, expecting nothing in return, she told me that she had experienced a renewed sense of growth and connection to herself and had become aware of her own inner sources of personal power and ability to find peace and grace in painful times of loss. 

In my own life, I experienced the transformation of pain into personal growth during a very difficult time around the arrival of my youngest child.  Prior to her birth, we learned of my daughter's extremely serious heart defect and the worst case possibility that she would not survive her birth or that if she did, she could potentially be severely disabled with a very poor quality of life.  With this news, I found myself in a very hopeless place of self pity, asking why this had happened to me and my family, and thinking only of how any of the described outcomes would negatively impact myself, my husband and our other two children.  I remember that from somewhere, a thought came to me that shifted my perspective in a more resourceful direction, in that perhaps there was some purpose and meaning to this as a life lesson in strength, and that as painful as the experience was, the challenges for this child could be seen as a gift to our family in terms of teaching us the value of life versus taking it for granted.  Thinking from this perspective gave me a sense of peace and acceptance and helped me to cope with the difficult times that followed.  I am happy to say that my daughter is 5 years old now and thankfully, is doing very well all things considered, and she continues to inspire and teach us daily in terms of her strength and spirit.  In looking back, I also see that while I was initially concerned about the negative effects of having a special needs child and sibling for my sons, through their experience of supporting her through her hospital stays, open heart surgery and physical challenges early on, they have themselves learned great personal lessons around empathy, caring, strength and hope. 

I want to be clear that I'm not saying that when we suffer a trauma, lose someone or go through major problems in our lives it is wrong to feel badly and that we just need to "stay positive", it's not about being positive - these things hurt and rock our world and there's no denying that.  However, we need to remember that sometimes a tower needs to be broken or come crashing down before something new and beautiful can be rebuilt, and I do believe that we always, at the very least, have choice in terms of bringing something positive out from pain.   We are all capable of transformative work within ourselves, the key is to remind ourselves to see dark times as part of our strengthening life lessons and at some point, when it makes sense in the process of coping, to encourage ourselves to act in alignment with that thought versus staying stuck and hopeless in negative states.   

Some questions that are helpful to ask one's self during painful and challenging times are as follows:

• What is the life lesson or message for me right now?
• What am I learning from this?
• What is my attention being drawn to that requires change?
• How might this situation be helping me to grow and develop?
• How is this situation transforming the way I see things and perceive the world?
• How will what I am going through now help me and others around me later?
• How can this situation help to deepen my connection to others in my life?
• What darker aspects of my own self are being expressed right now and how can I transform them into something positive and meaningful?
• What is a healthy outlet of expression I can use to channel my feelings?

On a closing note, a client with whom I was recently speaking about the concept of "Grace" drew my attention to a quote from WM Paul Young's book The Shack that seems fitting here.
 
"Grace doesn't depend of suffering to exist but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors"