Why Victims of Domestic Violence Should Never Be Blamed for Not Leaving

When someone hears that a person is in an abusive relationship, the first question they often ask is, “Why don’t they just leave?” This question, while seemingly simple, places blame on the victim instead of the abuser. Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous, complicated, and emotionally fraught decisions a person can make. Victims of domestic violence face a complex web of psychological, physical, financial, and social barriers that can make leaving feel impossible.

One of the most critical factors to understand is the increase in danger that occurs when a victim tries to leave. Studies have shown that the risk of serious harm or even death significantly rises during and after separation from an abuser. Abusers often use threats of violence, retaliation, or harm to children or pets to maintain control. In many cases, the abuser escalates their behavior when they sense they are losing control. For victims, the act of leaving can be the most life-threatening moment in the entire cycle of abuse.

A major factor that prevents victims from leaving is coercive control. This is a pattern of behavior used by abusers to dominate every aspect of a victim’s life, including who they talk to, where they go, how they spend money, and what they wear. Coercive control is subtle and insidious—it chips away at a person’s self-worth and independence over time. Victims may be isolated from friends and family, made to feel incapable of surviving alone, or forced into dependency through financial manipulation. The result is a feeling of entrapment that outsiders may not see.

In addition to physical and psychological threats, victims often stay because they fear not being believed or supported if they do leave. Systems like the justice system, child welfare, and even friends and family can sometimes respond with skepticism, judgment, or victim-blaming. Victims may also worry about homelessness, losing custody of their children, or the stigma associated with being in an abusive relationship. These are very real fears, and the lack of a strong safety net can keep someone in a dangerous situation.

Instead of asking why victims stay, we should be asking how we can make it safer and more possible for them to leave. This includes educating ourselves and others about coercive control, advocating for resources like emergency shelters, counseling, and legal support, and above all, offering compassion instead of criticism. Victims of domestic violence are not weak or foolish—they are doing what they need to survive. The responsibility for abuse always lies with the abuser, never the victim.