Addressing Imbalance

Frequently, I work with clients who are struggling to maintain "Life Balance".  While this has become a frequent and commonplace term, actually achieving it, still seems to be elusive for many.  I think that in order to properly look at ways of achieving balance, the causes of imbalance must first be addressed.  Speaking from my own experience with clients and the issues they struggle with, the following are the most common factors I observe, that contribute to stress, anxiety and an overall feeling of a non-balanced or fulfilled life. 

The first factor, and in my opinion  the most important, is a fundamental misalignment with ones' own value system.  Values are the qualities or essesnces that make up the fabric of our life experience e.g. peace, tranquility, adventure, fun, challenge, beauty etc.  Our core values are at the heart and soul of who we are and what we are here to do.  They are our guiding principles and are the basis for anything we are intrinsically motivated to expend energy towards. 

The problem is that many of us are not consciously aware of what our values actually are - if asked what ones' top ten values are, many are hard pressed to name any off the top of our heads (I know, because believe me, I have asked a lot of people over the years!) - we just aren't used to thinking along these lines.  In many ways we move through life in a kind of detached auto pilot, living unconnected from ourselves and making key decisions in alignment with external feedback.  In essence we lose touch with our own internal operating system and what is truly important to us, and fall into alignment with value systems external to ourselves - perhaps the system of our spouse, our extended families, our employers, our social networks our community etc?  Somewhere along the line we have forgotten how to listen first and foremost to ourselves and align with what is truly important and vital to our own state of well being.  

When I listen to my clients, a reliable clue that indicates a value misalignment is the frequent use of the word "should" e.g. "I should have an immaculate house and so I spend all my time cleaning", "I am bored but should stay in this job for security purposes",  Now please don't misunderstand, I am not neccessarily saying that any of these things are wrong - I myself enjoy a clean house, however, if preceded by a "should" chances are there is a lack of internal motivational energy behind these pursuits - in other words, we are not intrinsically connected to why we are doing them, and if we spend a good portion of our time doing things we are not motivated to do, that just in itself will create imbalance. 

One way to address this tendency is to just start to listen to yourself for "shoulds" and challenge their validity and relevence to your life by asking self questions like: 

"Why is doing this important to me right now?" 

"How does this fit in with what is important to me right now?" 

"Where do I want to invest my energy right now and why is that important?"

If the answer leads you in a positive direction or confirms something meaningful to you, then it is logical to keep investing energy in it as a pursuit.  However, if the answer indicates that the energy investment is not important to you and is perhaps only to others, then you need to decide if it is an investment you are still willing to make, or alternatively, is there is something else you can be doing with that time and energy that would work and feel better for you.  

Another factor contributing to imbalance is the presence of  pervasive "Limiting Beliefs".  Limiting beliefs are conclusions and statements we make to ourselves, that we hold out as truths or facts that have no actual basis in reality and hold us back in some way.  Examples of limiting beliefs that contribute to imbalance are statements such as "If I take time away from my children to exercise then I am a bad parent" (I hear this one alot) or "If I do not complete my "To Do" list to perfection then I am a failure"  or " I cannot delegate because the job will not be done as well as if I do it myself" or "If I ask for help I am weak or somehow deficient"  -  you get the idea.  Many of us operate often unknowingly under these limiting beliefs, without taking the time to stop, listen and analyse their validity and the negative effect.  We are also often really attached to these beliefs, as their underlying intention is usually protective or positive in some way, despite their negative outward manifestation. 

An exercise I have many of my clients do to facilitate conscious discrimination around our belief system is to have them  consciously start listening to their own self talk - a hard habbit to get into at first, but well worth it.  Carrying around a small notebook and writing down thoughts, reasoning, self statements and impressions for a couple of days can be a very telling and effective way to get back into your own head.  Once you have an idea of some of the limiting beliefs you are carrying, then you can ask yourself what the underlying positive intention might be - is the intention behind feeling guilt over going the gym to make you a more engaged parent?  Is the pressure over a completed "To Do" list intended to motivate productivity?  Once you know the intention, you can choose a more adaptive belief that still fulfills the orriginal intention e.g. " Going to the gym makes me happier and healthier and therefore a more engaged and energetic parent" or " Delegating tasks empowers others to be more effective".

The third major contributing factor I often see when people are out of balance is ineffective time management and unrealistic expectations with regards to the "To Do" list mentioned earlier.  I meet with many people who report being chronically overwhelmed by the list of things they feel they should accomplish in a day.  Often they describe their "To Do" list as a noisy jumble of urgent tasks floating around menacingly in their heads.  They set out to be productive and mentally start going over what needs to be done and are instantly overwhelmed, not knowing how or where to start, subsequently shutting down and accomplishing little. 

One effective solution I have found is the use of a qualified "To Do" List.  A mistake people make is not taking the time at the beginning of the day, to quickly analyse the things on their list and qualify them into their need and importance, the result being an abstact list full of tasks competing for top priority that is often unrealistic and impossible to achieve.  Taking 5 minutes to break your list down into qualified categories is a really simple way of prioritising, gaining perspective and keeping it real.  The three categories I use with my clients are: 

1. Things that need to happen today: (urgent and important) Note: urgent implies something that is time sensitive not just urgent because you want it to happen 

2. Things that ideally would happen today but can wait if need be (important but not urgent)

3. Things that would be nice if they happened but can also be done later (not urgent and not important) 

Once broken down into prioritised categories, the list will seem less overwhelming and become more realistic, manageable and achievable. 

Life these days is certainly demanding and full of pressures and balance is one of those things that naturally waxes and wanes over time - even for Life Coaches - yes its true, but living more consciously in touch with our thoughts and feelings and in alignment with the things that are truly important and meaningful to us makes maintaining a healthier and balanced fluctuation an achievable reality. 

Spring Cleaning for the Mind and Spirit

Every year around this time, I begin to feel prompted to start my spring cleaning process - how I love and look forward to that feeling of clearing away clutter, throwing out or giving away what is no longer needed,  uncovering, dusting off or even repairing things of value from the past, re-organizing my space and time and making room for things that are fresh, new and exciting. 

In my happy anticipation of this time, the thought occurred to me that as valuable as spring cleaning is, in the physical world, perhaps a mental spring cleaning is just as necessary too.  In my work and in my own experience l have found that a generalised feeling of clutter and disorganization is not limited to just our physical space, but is often found in our mental  and psychological way of being where we can also feel cluttered, crowded and disorganized in our overall environment, thoughts, activities, self expectations and emotions. 

When finding yourself in a disorganized and over crowded state of being, try taking a look at things from a spring cleaning point of view.  Where is there clutter in your life? Is your physical environment in harmony with your mental and emotional state of being?  Perhaps there are activities, involvements and responsibilities that absorb your time and energy? Where can you set some boundaries or delegate more effectively? What can you start saying "no" to? Maybe there are relationships that you have out grown or ones from the past that need repair? What relationships are nurturing to you and which ones are draining you?  What about the limiting beliefs and negative chatter cluttering your mental space?   Are you holding onto toxic emotions and baggage? Are there negative thinking patterns that need to be discarded? Where do you need more room to breathe?

If this all seems overwhelming, a great starting point is getting reacquainted with your personal core value system, and you can do this by asking yourself:

• what is really important to you right now, and why?
• what are your best qualities that form your identity?
• to what degree are you acting out these qualities?
• what qualities do you value most in other people?

Make a list of all those key value words and then use them as criteria for sorting and weeding out that which is taking up your mental and emotional space and is no longer needed.  Once your space is clear, you then will have created room for refreshing and new ideas, experiences and states of being.

Resolving to Change and Making it Stick

The New Year is almost upon us and it is the season for declaring our goals and resolutions for the year ahead. While good intentioned, for many, these resolutions follow the familiar cycle of setting a goal, holding out high expectations, feeling overwhelmed, de-motivating ourselves and letting the goal go by the wayside.

Why does this happen so often? It all simply boils down to desire, inspiration and motivation or in other words, the heart and soul of why the goal is important. This sounds simple enough, but unfortunately, when most people set goals, their internal dialogue bypasses the motivational component entirely, and they are left feeling un-inspired and often emotionally taxed by the goal itself. For example, have you never said something to yourself like “I should stop being overweight” or “I need to be less lazy and unproductive”? These kinds of statements are often the beginning and the end of most objectives, because they are stated in the negative and don’t address the motivating element of “Why?”, in other words, “Why is it important for me to do/have/be this?” The answer to this deceptively simple question is critical, because it allows us direct access to our internal set of values that guide, motivate and ignite our wants, desires and ultimately our willingness to act.

When you are setting a goal for yourself, first, try to frame the internal and external statement of the goal in the positive versus the negative for example: “I want to be more healthy” versus “I want to stop being overweight”. Simply changing the wording of your goal allows you to visualize the end objective as opposed to reinforcing the image of the problem or viewing the goal from the more limiting standpoint of what you don't want or what you are moving away from.

Next, set smaller achievable goals within the larger goals and try to make your goals as specific and measurable as possible. That way, you will be less overwhelmed and will be able to track your progress and actually notice when you are moving forward - this helps to keep you motivated and connected to the outcome.

Finally, when thinking about your goal, instead of leaving it at the “should” or “need to level”, try to envision yourself at the completion stage, looking at a vivid and salient picture of yourself having already achieved your goal, hearing what you are saying to yourself and feeling what it is like to have the outcome you want. Then, ask yourself: “Why is having this important for me?” or “What does having this outcome allow for me that is positive?” The answers to these questions will help you to directly access your motivation and will give support to the achievement of your goals in reality.

Wishing you a motivating and successful start to 2011!

Painting the Canvas of our Lives

Recently, a client of mine wanted some clarity and direction around how to approach her future planning and choice making in a more positive and resourceful way versus through paralysing fear and anxiety. Through a session designed around a guided visualization she produced a beautiful metaphor that gave her the answers and insights she was after. In her vision, she saw herself as a child sitting at a desk with a blank canvas and many colours to choose from. In seeing this, she was reminded of a time in her childhood where she had been given a similar blank canvas and had felt overwhelming anxiety and pressure over producing what she felt had to be a "masterpiece", not knowing where to begin, what picture she was trying to create and how it would all turn out in the end. After a moment, she then remembered that once she had picked up the very first colour and just let herself make the first mark on the canvas, her feelings, instincts and innate creativity just guided her, and a beautiful picture naturally unfolded into it's own masterpiece.

The message and meaning that resonates for me in this image, is that our lives are so much like that blank canvas, with so many colours, styles and pictures to choose from, and that we often experience so much worry and anxiety about the outcome and creating perfection, that we stop ourselves from picking up the first colour and even making the first mark on our page. If we can relax, live more in the present and have faith in our own instincts to guide us, a beautiful masterpiece is more likely to emerge and come to life in full colour.

Procrastination: The Mask of Fear

Have you ever really wanted to do or achieve something but found yourself in a state of procrastination and inactivity? Why should doing something you want be so hard at times? Many people equate procrastination with laziness or lack of motivation, however if you delve deeper, it becomes clear that procrastination is often the outward mask of our inner fears and sub-level operating system of limiting beliefs that hold us back from doing and getting us what we want. In other words, procrastination is not so much a sign of laziness as it is an avoidance maneuver we perform, that protects us from a greater perceived threat then inactivity. More simply put the sequence is as follows:

Idea/Motivating Thought
Limiting Belief
Fear Response
Protective Avoidance Mechanism
Inertia
Feeling and Staying Stuck.

So if fear is the root of inactivity, what is it we are all so afraid of? Many of us carry deep rooted insecurities and fears of failure, inadequacy, embarrassment, rejection, change, isolation and even success in relation to our goals or aspirations. We have an idea or inspiration around something we want, and instantly, our inner critic/negative belief default mechanism kicks in:

"I'm not good enough.", "I'm not smart enough.", I'm not creative or talented enough." "I'm not organized enough." "What if it doesn't work out?", "What if I fail?" "What will others think?" "It's safer not to try."

Does this sound familiar? We all do this on some level, especially when the stakes are high, but if we can get behind the negative limitations of our fears and see their positive intention (self-protection, security, confidence, preparedness, need for learning/guidance) we can overcome the fear-based inertia by taking conscious and pro-active steps that not only alleviate our fears but actually bring us closer to achieving what we want.

To explore this idea, take a look at something you have wanted to do for sometime but haven't and consider the following:

What am I avoiding?
What am I afraid of?
What are the risks involved in moving forward?
What aspects of these risk factors are within my control?
What is the positive intention for me behind my inability to proceed?
What steps can I take, in alignment with this intention, that will allow me to move forward?
What is the end result of staying stuck?

By acknowledging your fears and addressing them specifically and directly with small and manageable steps that are within your control, you will surprize and amaze yourself with what you can actually do and accomplish.

Knowing Who We Really Are

Our value system is at the heart of much of what we do, think and feel - they motivate us, they guide us, they attract and repel us from certain people, yet many, if asked, would have a hard time identifying what their specific values are. Not only are we often unconscious of our own values, but often as well, we somehow fall into alignment with value systems not even belonging to us. All of this is usually happening on an unconscious level and all we are aware of is a general feeling of imbalance, un-fulfillment and unhappiness.

In my work, I frequently encounter people who are feeling "stressed out", unhappy in what they are doing and unclear as to what choices or future direction to take. When I see this, the direction I go in right away, is re-acquainting my clients with their core value system, thereby allowing them to start making conscious actions and choices in alignment with their true selves. When this change occurs, the difference is amazing - choices and direction become clear, motivation is renewed, personal power is restored and things just start to flow or fall into place, the reason being that all parts of us start to work in harmony with each other versus working at crossed purposes.

If you are wondering about exploring your own value system, you can start by just taking some time to contemplate the following:

1. What were some "peak" moments in your life? What made them great? Why were they important to you? What are the words that sum up these times?

2. Who are the most special and influential people in your life? Why are you drawn to them? What qualities in them do you admire most?

3. What kind of people do you try to avoid and why? What are the qualities they possess that don't fit with you?

4. When do you feel most "alive"? What is the quality or driving force behind those times?

5. When are you most "out of sorts"? What's different about those times?

6. Think back to a time you felt really angry - what value was being violated within you at that time?

These are just some of the ways to bring you back in touch with your inner guidance system that if followed more consciously, will always lead you in the right direction.

Using Perceptual Shifts to Access Deeper Information

When my clients are feeling stuck with a challenge, and feel like they have exhausted all options and possibilities, often they are only seeing the issue through their own perspective and habitual thinking mode which for anyone can have its limitations. I have found that enabling them to shift their thinking frame to a different perceptual orientation is significantly effective in facilitating access to instant answers, deeper insights, hidden options, creative solutions and more resourceful ways of viewing the situation. If you or someone you are working with is struggling with a problem, challenge or conundrum, try one of the following ways of viewing it from a different perspective and see if it helps!

1. Pretend you have access to a time machine that could fast forward you to a time where the issue or problem was fully resolved. Ask yourself , looking back, what you did, leading up to that point to have solved the problem.

2. If the situation involves another person, put yourself "in their shoes", becoming them for a moment or become a "fly on the wall" looking down on the problem and ask yourself how the situation is different from this vantage point.

3. Ask yourself, what movie is your problem or situation reminding you of right now? How do you want the movie to end? What would need to happen to make it end that way? What character are you playing? Is there another character that you could be instead who would be more helpful in this situation?

4. Imagine that an "expert" in the kind of situation is there with you, and that you can ask them for their advice, ask your question and see what the expert has to say.

5. Imagine you are holding a "How-To Manual" in the subject field of your question or problem. Tell yourself that this book contains the answers to your problem and that when you open it, the answers will be right there. See yourself open the book and notice what it says - you may see a picture, words or you may even hear sounds. If the answer you receive requires clarification check the next page or imagine that there is another chapter that will have those answers or steps.