Resolving to Change and Making it Stick

The New Year is almost upon us and it is the season for declaring our goals and resolutions for the year ahead. While good intentioned, for many, these resolutions follow the familiar cycle of setting a goal, holding out high expectations, feeling overwhelmed, de-motivating ourselves and letting the goal go by the wayside.

Why does this happen so often? It all simply boils down to desire, inspiration and motivation or in other words, the heart and soul of why the goal is important. This sounds simple enough, but unfortunately, when most people set goals, their internal dialogue bypasses the motivational component entirely, and they are left feeling un-inspired and often emotionally taxed by the goal itself. For example, have you never said something to yourself like “I should stop being overweight” or “I need to be less lazy and unproductive”? These kinds of statements are often the beginning and the end of most objectives, because they are stated in the negative and don’t address the motivating element of “Why?”, in other words, “Why is it important for me to do/have/be this?” The answer to this deceptively simple question is critical, because it allows us direct access to our internal set of values that guide, motivate and ignite our wants, desires and ultimately our willingness to act.

When you are setting a goal for yourself, first, try to frame the internal and external statement of the goal in the positive versus the negative for example: “I want to be more healthy” versus “I want to stop being overweight”. Simply changing the wording of your goal allows you to visualize the end objective as opposed to reinforcing the image of the problem or viewing the goal from the more limiting standpoint of what you don't want or what you are moving away from.

Next, set smaller achievable goals within the larger goals and try to make your goals as specific and measurable as possible. That way, you will be less overwhelmed and will be able to track your progress and actually notice when you are moving forward - this helps to keep you motivated and connected to the outcome.

Finally, when thinking about your goal, instead of leaving it at the “should” or “need to level”, try to envision yourself at the completion stage, looking at a vivid and salient picture of yourself having already achieved your goal, hearing what you are saying to yourself and feeling what it is like to have the outcome you want. Then, ask yourself: “Why is having this important for me?” or “What does having this outcome allow for me that is positive?” The answers to these questions will help you to directly access your motivation and will give support to the achievement of your goals in reality.

Wishing you a motivating and successful start to 2011!

Painting the Canvas of our Lives

Recently, a client of mine wanted some clarity and direction around how to approach her future planning and choice making in a more positive and resourceful way versus through paralysing fear and anxiety. Through a session designed around a guided visualization she produced a beautiful metaphor that gave her the answers and insights she was after. In her vision, she saw herself as a child sitting at a desk with a blank canvas and many colours to choose from. In seeing this, she was reminded of a time in her childhood where she had been given a similar blank canvas and had felt overwhelming anxiety and pressure over producing what she felt had to be a "masterpiece", not knowing where to begin, what picture she was trying to create and how it would all turn out in the end. After a moment, she then remembered that once she had picked up the very first colour and just let herself make the first mark on the canvas, her feelings, instincts and innate creativity just guided her, and a beautiful picture naturally unfolded into it's own masterpiece.

The message and meaning that resonates for me in this image, is that our lives are so much like that blank canvas, with so many colours, styles and pictures to choose from, and that we often experience so much worry and anxiety about the outcome and creating perfection, that we stop ourselves from picking up the first colour and even making the first mark on our page. If we can relax, live more in the present and have faith in our own instincts to guide us, a beautiful masterpiece is more likely to emerge and come to life in full colour.

Procrastination: The Mask of Fear

Have you ever really wanted to do or achieve something but found yourself in a state of procrastination and inactivity? Why should doing something you want be so hard at times? Many people equate procrastination with laziness or lack of motivation, however if you delve deeper, it becomes clear that procrastination is often the outward mask of our inner fears and sub-level operating system of limiting beliefs that hold us back from doing and getting us what we want. In other words, procrastination is not so much a sign of laziness as it is an avoidance maneuver we perform, that protects us from a greater perceived threat then inactivity. More simply put the sequence is as follows:

Idea/Motivating Thought
Limiting Belief
Fear Response
Protective Avoidance Mechanism
Inertia
Feeling and Staying Stuck.

So if fear is the root of inactivity, what is it we are all so afraid of? Many of us carry deep rooted insecurities and fears of failure, inadequacy, embarrassment, rejection, change, isolation and even success in relation to our goals or aspirations. We have an idea or inspiration around something we want, and instantly, our inner critic/negative belief default mechanism kicks in:

"I'm not good enough.", "I'm not smart enough.", I'm not creative or talented enough." "I'm not organized enough." "What if it doesn't work out?", "What if I fail?" "What will others think?" "It's safer not to try."

Does this sound familiar? We all do this on some level, especially when the stakes are high, but if we can get behind the negative limitations of our fears and see their positive intention (self-protection, security, confidence, preparedness, need for learning/guidance) we can overcome the fear-based inertia by taking conscious and pro-active steps that not only alleviate our fears but actually bring us closer to achieving what we want.

To explore this idea, take a look at something you have wanted to do for sometime but haven't and consider the following:

What am I avoiding?
What am I afraid of?
What are the risks involved in moving forward?
What aspects of these risk factors are within my control?
What is the positive intention for me behind my inability to proceed?
What steps can I take, in alignment with this intention, that will allow me to move forward?
What is the end result of staying stuck?

By acknowledging your fears and addressing them specifically and directly with small and manageable steps that are within your control, you will surprize and amaze yourself with what you can actually do and accomplish.

Knowing Who We Really Are

Our value system is at the heart of much of what we do, think and feel - they motivate us, they guide us, they attract and repel us from certain people, yet many, if asked, would have a hard time identifying what their specific values are. Not only are we often unconscious of our own values, but often as well, we somehow fall into alignment with value systems not even belonging to us. All of this is usually happening on an unconscious level and all we are aware of is a general feeling of imbalance, un-fulfillment and unhappiness.

In my work, I frequently encounter people who are feeling "stressed out", unhappy in what they are doing and unclear as to what choices or future direction to take. When I see this, the direction I go in right away, is re-acquainting my clients with their core value system, thereby allowing them to start making conscious actions and choices in alignment with their true selves. When this change occurs, the difference is amazing - choices and direction become clear, motivation is renewed, personal power is restored and things just start to flow or fall into place, the reason being that all parts of us start to work in harmony with each other versus working at crossed purposes.

If you are wondering about exploring your own value system, you can start by just taking some time to contemplate the following:

1. What were some "peak" moments in your life? What made them great? Why were they important to you? What are the words that sum up these times?

2. Who are the most special and influential people in your life? Why are you drawn to them? What qualities in them do you admire most?

3. What kind of people do you try to avoid and why? What are the qualities they possess that don't fit with you?

4. When do you feel most "alive"? What is the quality or driving force behind those times?

5. When are you most "out of sorts"? What's different about those times?

6. Think back to a time you felt really angry - what value was being violated within you at that time?

These are just some of the ways to bring you back in touch with your inner guidance system that if followed more consciously, will always lead you in the right direction.

Using Perceptual Shifts to Access Deeper Information

When my clients are feeling stuck with a challenge, and feel like they have exhausted all options and possibilities, often they are only seeing the issue through their own perspective and habitual thinking mode which for anyone can have its limitations. I have found that enabling them to shift their thinking frame to a different perceptual orientation is significantly effective in facilitating access to instant answers, deeper insights, hidden options, creative solutions and more resourceful ways of viewing the situation. If you or someone you are working with is struggling with a problem, challenge or conundrum, try one of the following ways of viewing it from a different perspective and see if it helps!

1. Pretend you have access to a time machine that could fast forward you to a time where the issue or problem was fully resolved. Ask yourself , looking back, what you did, leading up to that point to have solved the problem.

2. If the situation involves another person, put yourself "in their shoes", becoming them for a moment or become a "fly on the wall" looking down on the problem and ask yourself how the situation is different from this vantage point.

3. Ask yourself, what movie is your problem or situation reminding you of right now? How do you want the movie to end? What would need to happen to make it end that way? What character are you playing? Is there another character that you could be instead who would be more helpful in this situation?

4. Imagine that an "expert" in the kind of situation is there with you, and that you can ask them for their advice, ask your question and see what the expert has to say.

5. Imagine you are holding a "How-To Manual" in the subject field of your question or problem. Tell yourself that this book contains the answers to your problem and that when you open it, the answers will be right there. See yourself open the book and notice what it says - you may see a picture, words or you may even hear sounds. If the answer you receive requires clarification check the next page or imagine that there is another chapter that will have those answers or steps.

Turning Problems Into Possibility: Adopting a Resourceful Thinking Style

When life throws us challenges, it is common for many of us to cope by spending our time and energy focusing solely on the problem - dissecting it, worrying about it, predicting worse case scenario options,reliving its history and turning its related negative thoughts and feelings around and around in our minds. Unfortunately, the typical result of these negative energy investments is that the problem does not improve and may in fact be compounded by the increased worry and growing anxiety this generates.

There is an alternative. By adopting a more resourceful style of thinking, almost any problem can be re-framed or "flipped" into potential options, action plans and even solutions. The way to do this is actually quite simple: when you catch yourself thinking about a problem you are experiencing, start by just naming your problem - it might be something common such as "I have too much debt" or "I smoke/drink/eat too much". At this point, stop yourself, and do not continue to focus your thoughts on the problem, as this will,most definitely, put you further into an unresourceful place. Instead, re-frame the problem statement into what you would ideally like to have/be/do instead: "I want financial freedom" or " I want to live a healthy lifestyle". By simply flipping what you already know you don't want into what you do want instead, you are already employing a very powerful solution focused thinking strategy and putting yourself into a more resourceful place as you switch your focus from problem to possibility. The idea is that whatever you form as a visual picture in your mind becomes the template for what you will consciously and unconsciously support and and work towards.

Once you have formed the image in your mind of what it is you want, you can then go further by asking yourself some very simple "resource-based" follow up questions, guaranteed to move you closer to a solution. These are:

1. What aspects of this situation are within my control? (Hint: there is always something, even if very small that we can control)

2. What resources are available to me right now? ( e.g. people, information, skills, past methods of dealing with similar issues)

3. What are my options? (list all of them that come to mind - even if they seem far fetched - these might lead to even more ideas)

4.What is one simple step I can take right now that will move me towards my goal? (sometimes just taking one step can open new doors to possibility you didn't even know were there)

It takes time to change our habitual thinking and well worn behaviour patterns, but by consciously switching your focus from problems to solutions on even small every day issues and dilemmas, it will quickly become more and more a part of your natural way of thinking, being and acting and you will be able to approach life's challenges in a more effective and resourceful way.

The Foundations of Personal Power

In both my coaching practice and every day life, I frequently encounter people who are struggling with crippling issues around their sense of "personal power" or their ability to act and make choices that impact their lives positively, based on knowing themselves and what's truly important to them.

With life's unforgiving demands, many of us feel we have very little time, energy or emotional space to deal actively with our day-to-day thoughts and feelings, and thereby function by maintaining an "auto pilot" way of being, essentially, living cut off and numb to what is really going on inside of us. While this form of coping can seem like a time and energy saver, it ultimately derails us from staying balanced and living our lives in a meaningful and aligned way. Unfortunately, many people do not become aware of the degree to which they are cut off and estranged from themselves until something drastic and unpleasant occurs - their relationships suffer or end suddenly, they find they are miserable and/or ineffective in their job or profession, they crash with some kind of "burn out" or stress related illness or have what feels like a complete emotional breakdown. This kind of "shock-to-the-system" forced need for change can be avoided by choosing to live in our space of personal power versus searching for it in mid-crisis state. Having said that, it strikes me that an individual's sense of personal power has four foundational pillars that support its existence and overall effectiveness, those being Conscious Awareness, Purposeful Living, Honest Self Assessment and Self Responsibility.

The first aspect involved in reclaiming personal power, Conscious Awareness, involves, essentially, switching off the autopilot and becoming more actively aware of our thoughts, feelings and attitudes on a daily basis. We have all heard of, by now, the concept of "living in the moment" but how many of us really know how to do it or actually practice it regularly? A simple way to start being more consciously in the moment is to just stop, breathe, and ask yourself some simple but powerful questions such as: "What do I want right now?" "What are my thoughts about this?" "What are my feelings about this?" "What is feeling right to me about this?" "What is feeling wrong to me about this?" and "Why is this important to me right now/". It sounds so simplistic, but by just trying it, the answers can take us in surprising positive directions or to places we might have missed in the safety of the "autopilot" mode.

After achieving even a small degree of conscious awareness, comes an increased ability to tap into the second pillar of personal power, Purposeful Living, where we can think and act in ways that are more purposely aligned with what truly supports our happiness and well being. It is amazing how much of our time and energy gets invested by our involvement in activities and situations that are out of alignment with our true selves or are plugged into to someone else's goals and value systems. In order to live more purposely, we need to identify our own personal values and then make conscious choices that support them. Questions to ask yourself here are: "Does this situation/choice/activity have meaning to me right now?" "Why is this situation/choice/activity important to me?" "What will having that/doing that give me, that is good for me on a deeper level?" If the answers to those questions are negative, are more in relation to someone else or have little actual meaning to you, then your time, energy and emotional investment into it must be re-evaluated.

Even when we have made conscious and purposeful choices that support our values and ultimate vision, we can still be held back by our own resistance or failure to put our plans into action - in other words, often what is holding us back the most from achieving success or happiness is simply our own self!

This is where the third pillar of personal power, Honest Self Assessment, comes into play. In order to more forward and create positive change, we must consciously acknowledge and accept our patterns of resistance, self sabotage and denial, so that we can move through them positively and effectively. With many of my clients, I have seen that the root of their deepest resistance and self sabotage is an unconscious positive intention that has been distorted over time, manifesting itself as a negative result such as procrastination and inertia. When this occurs, it is critical to reconnect with the original positive root intention of the resistance, and meet its needs in a more adaptive manner, thereby eliminating any attachment to it, and the inner road blocks standing in the way. In more practical terms, if you are feeling stuck or experiencing persistent barriers to a goal that you know is good for you, you must ask yourself honestly "What am I resisting or avoiding right now?" "What is the positive purpose for me behind that resistance?" "How can I still fulfill that positive purpose without holding myself back?" and "Why is moving forward important to me?"

Lastly, the fourth pillar of personal power is Self Responsibility. It is so very easy and tempting for us to make excuses, blame others and claim external circumstances for our failure to be happy or to more forward, however, don't we know deep down that the responsibility for our happiness and success rests within ourselves? Even in situations that seem to be 100% out of our hands, if we look at it critically and honestly, isn't there always at least one aspect, even if very small, that is within our control? For example, often in relationships, we blame the other person for our unhappiness, and while it is true that we cannot actually change other people or control their behaviour, we always have control over changing ourself (i.e. our reactions, attitudes and responses) in relation to that person, regardless of what they do. Questions to ask in order to assume more self responsibility in this respect are: "What aspect of this situation is in my control right now?" "What choices are available to me right now?" "What resources are available to me?" "Am I being as honest as I can about my needs?" "Am I taking enough action to change my situation?" and "What changes can I make right now?". While these questions are sometimes tough, if they are asked and answered honestly, there will always be an answer there that will start to move you forward.

While I feel strongly that these pillars of personal power are integral to building a strong and vital sense of self, incorporating all four into our way of being can most likely seem a bit overwhelming all at once. As such, my suggestion, is to take baby steps, and start by making the effort to ask yourself just one purposeful question each day, one day at a time. You will see, that in time, these questions will begin to feel natural and habitual, and it will be amazing the difference you will start to feel when you aproach your life from a position of renewed and reclaimed personal power.