In both my coaching practice and every day life, I frequently encounter people who are struggling with crippling issues around their sense of "personal power" or their ability to act and make choices that impact their lives positively, based on knowing themselves and what's truly important to them.
With life's unforgiving demands, many of us feel we have very little time, energy or emotional space to deal actively with our day-to-day thoughts and feelings, and thereby function by maintaining an "auto pilot" way of being, essentially, living cut off and numb to what is really going on inside of us. While this form of coping can seem like a time and energy saver, it ultimately derails us from staying balanced and living our lives in a meaningful and aligned way. Unfortunately, many people do not become aware of the degree to which they are cut off and estranged from themselves until something drastic and unpleasant occurs - their relationships suffer or end suddenly, they find they are miserable and/or ineffective in their job or profession, they crash with some kind of "burn out" or stress related illness or have what feels like a complete emotional breakdown. This kind of "shock-to-the-system" forced need for change can be avoided by choosing to live in our space of personal power versus searching for it in mid-crisis state. Having said that, it strikes me that an individual's sense of personal power has four foundational pillars that support its existence and overall effectiveness, those being Conscious Awareness, Purposeful Living, Honest Self Assessment and Self Responsibility.
The first aspect involved in reclaiming personal power, Conscious Awareness, involves, essentially, switching off the autopilot and becoming more actively aware of our thoughts, feelings and attitudes on a daily basis. We have all heard of, by now, the concept of "living in the moment" but how many of us really know how to do it or actually practice it regularly? A simple way to start being more consciously in the moment is to just stop, breathe, and ask yourself some simple but powerful questions such as: "What do I want right now?" "What are my thoughts about this?" "What are my feelings about this?" "What is feeling right to me about this?" "What is feeling wrong to me about this?" and "Why is this important to me right now/". It sounds so simplistic, but by just trying it, the answers can take us in surprising positive directions or to places we might have missed in the safety of the "autopilot" mode.
After achieving even a small degree of conscious awareness, comes an increased ability to tap into the second pillar of personal power, Purposeful Living, where we can think and act in ways that are more purposely aligned with what truly supports our happiness and well being. It is amazing how much of our time and energy gets invested by our involvement in activities and situations that are out of alignment with our true selves or are plugged into to someone else's goals and value systems. In order to live more purposely, we need to identify our own personal values and then make conscious choices that support them. Questions to ask yourself here are: "Does this situation/choice/activity have meaning to me right now?" "Why is this situation/choice/activity important to me?" "What will having that/doing that give me, that is good for me on a deeper level?" If the answers to those questions are negative, are more in relation to someone else or have little actual meaning to you, then your time, energy and emotional investment into it must be re-evaluated.
Even when we have made conscious and purposeful choices that support our values and ultimate vision, we can still be held back by our own resistance or failure to put our plans into action - in other words, often what is holding us back the most from achieving success or happiness is simply our own self!
This is where the third pillar of personal power, Honest Self Assessment, comes into play. In order to more forward and create positive change, we must consciously acknowledge and accept our patterns of resistance, self sabotage and denial, so that we can move through them positively and effectively. With many of my clients, I have seen that the root of their deepest resistance and self sabotage is an unconscious positive intention that has been distorted over time, manifesting itself as a negative result such as procrastination and inertia. When this occurs, it is critical to reconnect with the original positive root intention of the resistance, and meet its needs in a more adaptive manner, thereby eliminating any attachment to it, and the inner road blocks standing in the way. In more practical terms, if you are feeling stuck or experiencing persistent barriers to a goal that you know is good for you, you must ask yourself honestly "What am I resisting or avoiding right now?" "What is the positive purpose for me behind that resistance?" "How can I still fulfill that positive purpose without holding myself back?" and "Why is moving forward important to me?"
Lastly, the fourth pillar of personal power is Self Responsibility. It is so very easy and tempting for us to make excuses, blame others and claim external circumstances for our failure to be happy or to more forward, however, don't we know deep down that the responsibility for our happiness and success rests within ourselves? Even in situations that seem to be 100% out of our hands, if we look at it critically and honestly, isn't there always at least one aspect, even if very small, that is within our control? For example, often in relationships, we blame the other person for our unhappiness, and while it is true that we cannot actually change other people or control their behaviour, we always have control over changing ourself (i.e. our reactions, attitudes and responses) in relation to that person, regardless of what they do. Questions to ask in order to assume more self responsibility in this respect are: "What aspect of this situation is in my control right now?" "What choices are available to me right now?" "What resources are available to me?" "Am I being as honest as I can about my needs?" "Am I taking enough action to change my situation?" and "What changes can I make right now?". While these questions are sometimes tough, if they are asked and answered honestly, there will always be an answer there that will start to move you forward.
While I feel strongly that these pillars of personal power are integral to building a strong and vital sense of self, incorporating all four into our way of being can most likely seem a bit overwhelming all at once. As such, my suggestion, is to take baby steps, and start by making the effort to ask yourself just one purposeful question each day, one day at a time. You will see, that in time, these questions will begin to feel natural and habitual, and it will be amazing the difference you will start to feel when you aproach your life from a position of renewed and reclaimed personal power.
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