Are You Killing Your Confidence?

True confidence is one of those things we often see in other people and wish we had more of, but many times we don't realise that there are things we do to ourselves that kill the confidence we already posses and limit the confidence we are trying to develop.  I would like to discuss the six biggest things that negatively affect confidence the most in the people I work with.


1. Over Generalizing of the Negative:


Over Generalizing of the Negative is a default thought pattern many people turn to where they take a small imperfection and/or one bad experience they have within a situation and turn it into a globalized internal belief around their overall skill level such as "I forgot one part of my presentation therefore the whole thing went poorly and I am a terrible presenter"  or "I cheated on my eating plan today, therefore I will never become a healthy person"  or
" I did not get the last job I applied for so that means I will never find a job"  (Be watchful for words in your thinking like 'always' or 'never' - almost always the sign of an over generalization)  When you catch yourself in this kind of thinking, it is important to ask yourself how true are the conclusions you are drawing in reality -and what is the actual evidence that supports that whole conclusion.  If you were to look at yourself objectively as if you were a detached camera or from a fly on the wall perspective would what you see match that conclusion or is only a fraction of it true and if so, what is a better more realistic conclusion that can be drawn? 


2. All or Nothing Thinking:


Related to overgeneralizing is All or Nothing Thinking - the kissing cousin to Perfectionism, when one might feel that if they can't do something absolutely perfectly it means they have no business doing it at all.  This kind of thinking magnifies setbacks and small hurdles into gross stumbling blocks that hold all kinds of people back from trying or doing new things, or making small and steady improvements on things they are working on.  When this kind of thinking occurs it is important to remember that the idea of perfection is in many ways an impossible concept that does not need to be the end outcome goal for the things we want to try, and that something that isn't 100% perfect can still be excellent and have value.  Sometimes the real value in doing something is the gradual process of developing a fledgling skill and the learning involved in mistakes that happen along the way. 


3. Confirmation Bias and Negative Filter


Another huge thinking pitfall that kills confidence are two similar concepts of  Confirmation Bias and Negative Filter.  Confirmation Bias occurs when we carry a limiting Belief about our self or our skill level and then only notice and focus our attention on facts or evidence that "proves" or confirms that belief, and ignore all evidence that is to the contrary - e.g. only noticing and focusing the one person out of 100 texting during your presentation and ignoring the 99 who were listening attentively and then thinking "See, I knew I would bore people".  To the same effect,  a Negative Filter is when we look at all the feedback we receive around our efforts and only hang onto the parts that support our negative belief system filtering out all the rest e.g.  getting 1 poor evaluation after speaking and 27 positive ones and then thinking "I did a horrible job - that person hated what I did".  It is really important here again to look at the situation objectively and to remember that we don't always know the context of the feedback we get and that we shouldn't automatically personalize it- was the person texting responding to an emergency?  Had they just forgotten to turn off their phone?  Was the feedback on the poor evaluation actually valid or just mean spirited and if it was valid can it just be seen as room for growth and improvement and not a generalized attack on your skills?


4. Over Use of Self Comparison:


I work with many clients who hold themselves back because of their preoccupation with where they rank in comparison to other people in their professional fields or interpersonal peer group.  People can be quite brutal towards themselves when they view their own perceived worth against the backdrop of others' accomplishments, experience, educational level, professional or social status, fitness, age and physical appearance, and stop themselves from doing, trying and engaging in really great things in fear of being lesser than others.  I feel it is really important to focus our attention on our own individual goals and measures of success that we set for ourselves that are not externally referenced to others.  Setting small but important personal goals and building in ways of measuring and celebrating success for each stage of achievement is really helpful with this and just involves some "self coaching":  


1. What is it I want to do or try?
2. Why is this important to me or what is the value in this?
3. How will I know when I am successful or doing well?
4. If the goal is large long term or overwhelming, what are smaller steps within it that are achievable in the short term? 


It is also really important to consciously remind oneself that all people are unique and are in different places and stages on their life's journey, career path, education etc.  and that we are never 100% privy to their internal/external struggles, confidence levels, (it may interest you to know that I have worked with many very accomplished people who still lack their own internal confidence) existing support systems and the context as to why and how they may appear more accomplished or successful,  and at the end of the day, where they are is irrelevant to where you are on your own journey. 


5. Persistent Negative Self Talk:


My clients come to me because they want to achieve certain things but haven't (to this point) been able to.  I can't tell you how often I hear them say things in relation to their own goals like:

"I just cant do that kind of thing"

"It's just not that easy"

"I'm not that kind of person"

"That would be too hard"

"I'm not good at that"

"I'm too nervous"

"That would never work for me"

"I don't have those kind of skills"

"People don't see me that way"

These are the kinds of things people actually say out loud to me all the time - if this is what they are telling another person about themselves just imagine what they are saying to themselves in their own minds!  The words we use in our thoughts and speech form our feelings and resulting actions.  These words are, a lot of the time, representative of habitual speech and language patterns that create a negative inner recording loop that repeats over and over in the unconscious mind like a bad repeating soundtrack.  Imagine if a person was actually hearing these messages from a real person towards them all day every day - we would probably call that emotional abuse or bullying and yet this is what lots and lots of people do to themselves. 


When I hear this kind of self talk going on, the first thing I do is point out that these things are Beliefs (Limiting Beliefs) and are most likely not based in any actual fact.  We hold onto Limiting Beliefs because they are, most of the time, self protective and stop us from taking risks that might result in some kind of embarrassment.  The downside to that protection is that is goes too far and can prevent any kind of risk taking  " I am probably bad at that so I shouldn't try it and if I don't try it I won't fail at it." and it is this kind of thinking that keeps a lot of people unfortunately stuck and feeling badly about themselves. 


The nice thing about Limiting Beliefs is they can be changed and corrected because they are ultimately just habits, but like any habit, you have to be conscious of it and want to change it.  To help my clients start changing their Limiting Beliefs, I often request that they carry a little notebook around and record their inner self talk throughout the day, especially when they find themselves feeling low or nervous about something.  I have never had a client fail to be shocked at how pervasive and damaging their own self talk was once they actually saw what it was on paper.  After the initial consciousness raising occurs, the next step is to change the negative belief at work into a belief that is more true and empowering that still serves the same protective purpose as the limiting one but doesn't hold the person back  e.g. "I don't have the skills to do this" can be replaced with "I have the skills to take the first baby step" or "Everyone who accomplishes this has had to start at the beginning".  Changing beliefs takes time and practise but it definitely can be done.


6. Negative Visual Pictures


the last confidence killer I want to mention is the negative picture file we carry in our unconscious minds or the way we see our self in relation to the world around us.  When faced with situations or people who make us feel small or inferior, often there is a visual representation present in our minds that affects how we feel and ultimately act going into that situation.  If you can relate to a situation, person or group of people who seem to have a negative impact on your confidence, try bringing up a picture of yourself in that low-confidence scenario in your mind.  Try to recall the situation in as much detail as possible and then allow yourself to see it unfold as is if you are detached and watching it like a movie.  Watch yourself - how do you appear?  What is your body language like?  Do you look like you do in real life or different somehow (younger, older, from an earlier time period in your life etc.) Do you appear scared?  Helpless?  How do you appear in relation to others around you in the picture - do you look nervous while they seem relaxed?  Are they physically menacing?  Do you appear small and they appear large?  Is the picture in colour and you are in black and white?  These are some of the images my clients have seen when they have done this and are they ways they are surprised to learn that they perceive themselves in relation to their environments in certain situations. 

Once you are clear on the visual "Low Confidence You"  take a break from that picture and remember a time when you felt really relaxed and confident.  Repeat the process of watching this new movie but this time notice all the things about you that signify confidence.  Once that movie feels salient and complete, then go back to the low confidence movie and take out the "Low Confidence You" and Replace it with the "High Confidence Picture". Take a moment and watch how the whole scene mood and energy changes and adjusts to the confident you in a good way.  The final step is to merge yourself into the picture and feel yourself become the confident you in that scenario.  This may seem like a lot of mental gymnastics, but for extremely stressful and anxiety provoking situations, it is an extremely powerful and effective visualization technique that with practise can be done in under 5 minutes. 


When it comes to confidence, we are often our own worst enemies and self saboteurs so it's important to remember that thoughts impact feelings, feelings impact actions and actions ultimately impact outcomes so if we choose to think different thoughts that promote better overall confidence and better actions the actual outcomes we end up with can change for the better as well. 

Accessing Sources of Inner Knowledge

One of the foundations of coaching is the principle that the client contains the answers they need within them and is therefore always the most knowledgeable "expert in their own life". As such, the coach's role is to act not as the advisor, but instead, as a facilitator in assisting the client to access their own answers and insights.  The challenge is that most of us are so practised at asking for advice externally and discounting our own thoughts and instincts,  we have forgotten how to "go within" and listen to ourselves for guidance. Being able to ask ourselves a question and come up with our own answer or solution is ultimately much more empowering for us then accepting (well intentioned) advice from external sources, because our own unconscious contains all of the context, emotions and history around our individual lives and situations to make the best informed judgement and decisions. 

There are lots of really great ways of helping people re-establish their connection to their own unconscious guidance systems, but one of my favourites that I use often with my clients when they seem really stuck or in need of guidance is an effective visualization technique called "The Library of Deeper Knowledge and Answers". When introducing this to my clients, I do it as a guided visualization, but once they know how it goes, it is a technique they can use as often as they like on their own for any kind of question they are wanting insight into.  Types of situations this technique can be useful for range from ways to to deal with a troubling work situation, what steps are needed in working towards a plan or goal or more emotionally based questions such as what might be missing in one's life or ways to heal or resolve difficult and upsetting situations. 

If you would like to try using a technique like this for a question or situation you are finding challenging, it goes like this:  

First, develop your question - open ended questions are best and could be phrased in ways such as:

• "What do I currently need to understand about.....?"  
• "What are the first steps I need to take in order to...?"
• "What are some ways that I can start to....?"   
• "What are the things holding me back from...?

Once you are clear on what you would like to know, find a comfortable place to sit or lie down, relax yourself and close your eyes (Yes falling asleep does happen when learning how to visualise or meditate, but that's normal and happens less and less with practise)

When you are ready, start to see and/or feel yourself walking down a path or road in a peaceful setting - this could be a relaxing place you have been to in reality or somewhere new designed by your imagination. 

As you continue to walk, off in the distance you start to see the form of a building or structure emerge. (Spending some time developing the scenery in detail and making it as salient as possible serves the purpose of relaxing the mind further and bringing you into a deeper more imaginative state). 

As you get close to this structure, you see that it is some type of library.  

Continue to walk towards it, and let yourself go inside, knowing that inside you will find a very special book that has the answer to the question(s) you designed.  State the question to yourself and allow your imagination to start to guide you. 

As you stand inside the entrance to this library, you see that there are thousands and thousands of books, but allow yourself to feel certain that you will somehow know how to find exactly the book you need for your particular question.

As you start to move through the library, let your instincts guide you to where you feel it is right to go and know that the book will present itself to you in some way.  You might be guided to a particular shelf where one book looks bigger than the rest or seems to be illuminated in some way.  Some of my clients are drawn to one book sitting alone on a table or a book might draw your attention by falling off a shelf in front of you - the way it presents itself will be different for everyone and is up to your imagination. 

Once you have found the book you feel you are meant to look at, take a moment to notice how it appears or feels in your hands.  I have had clients come up with some extraordinary insights based on just the physical appearance of their books alone so it's important to remember there are no "wrong" impressions.  Allow yourself to notice things like: 

• What does it look like - is it old and weathered or new and modern? 
• Is it a textbook? A picture book? A chapter book? Etc.
• If there is a picture on the front, what does that picture mean to you?
• Does the book remind you of something or someone?
• What colour is the cover and what does that colour mean to you?  
• Does the book have a title and if so what is it?
• Is the book heavy or light or big or small and what might that signify in terms of your question? 

Now open the book and allow the full answer to your question to present itself to you.  There might be pages with lots of writing or just one single word.  There might be pictures or diagrams.  There might be sounds or symbols that jump out at you - whatever you see or notice about the book is the answer to your question.  If you feel as though you aren't getting, understanding or seeing the information, not to worry, just ask yourself some questions of clarification to help bridge the gap between your conscious and unconscious mind e.g. "What might this mean to me?"  "What does the colour/word/feeling remind me of?"   "How can the concept of ____help me right now?" 

Be patient with yourself as you get used to this kind of non-linear thinking.  Our unconscious speaks to us in abstracts, riddles and symbols and so often the information we get might not appear concretely at first.  I remember one of my clients becoming extremely frustrated during this process because the book she was being shown was completely full of blank pages.  She thought that she was making a mistake and "doing this all wrong", however, when I asked why the concept of "blank pages" might be meaningful to her in her particular situation, she suddenly had an important insight into the need to clean her emotional slate, rid herself of toxic anger she was holding onto and free herself from a negative interpersonal relationship that was distracting her and getting in the way of her true focus - now who would guess you could get all that from a simple blank page!  

Another client, who was experiencing problems implementing some small business goals was not able to turn the pages past the Table of Contents where "Chapter One" was highlighted at the top of the page.   When he asked for what he was supposed to understand from that, he had a realization that he had missed some important formative market research steps while putting together his business plan and needed to revisit those "chapter one" issues in order to then move forward.  The point is that however the book is appearing or not appearing to you will contain valuable symbolic information, just be patient, trust your unconscious and ask for clarity if what you are being shown seems confusing at first. 

Over the years I have truly enjoyed introducing this technique to my clients, as I am constantly inspired and intrigued by all the different books and forms of insight that they come up with in answer to their questions  -  and all from their very own minds.  I invite you to give this a try and hope that you will be intrigued and inspired by your own inner library in this way too. 

  

Identity Based Decision Making

Experiencing one of the coldest and longest winters I can remember in a long time, like many people I am finding myself in an uncomfortable negative space where self-descriptor words I might use would include gems such as " irritable, withdrawn, sluggish, in a rut, bored and generally kind of miserable.  Being a Personal Development Coach, one might think I'd be immune to these un-resourceful states of mind, however, also being human, that is not always the case.  Fortunately though, I have become quite practised at recognizing when I have fallen into this kind of thinking, feeling and acting, and can often "self-coach' myself into a more resourceful and adaptive way of being.  

(Note:  I want to be clear that I am not directing this article towards people who are suffering from diagnosed or undiagnosed clinical depression/biochemical imbalance, nor am I implying that clinical depression is the result of un-resourceful thinking.  However, I do believe that resourceful thinking strategies can be helpful in addition to other forms of therapy and treatment for depression)

One of the ways I have found to be effective in turning around negative internal states is an intentional living skill I like to call "Identity Based Decision Making" and it goes like this:  When I think of the concept of one's identity, I define it as who we are when we are acting out our highest-self or at our very best and most fulfilled, and all of the qualities and values that come together within us that inform that state.  For those of you who are new to my way of thinking around identity and core values, I invite you to visit my earlier posts, particularly one called "Knowing Who We Really Are", but in a nut shell, our values are the building blocks of who we are, and are the traits that inform, guide and motivate us intrinsically.  When we are feeling happy and balanced, it is usually because we are, in some way, acting in alignment with our best-self versus falling into self sabotaging behaviours and patterns, buying into our limiting beliefs and making poor daily choices based on low motivation and pervasive un-resourceful thinking.   

So, having said that, when I find myself  falling back into lower-self negative thinking, persistent states of "blah" for lack of a better word, poor motivation and self sabotaging behavior I try my best to consciously reacquaint myself with my most important core values and sense of identity - or in other words "Who am I when I feel like I am at my very best and what are the qualities that define 'me' in that state?"  Usually one or two out of my list of value words will resonate or feel strongest for me at any given time and emerge as my focus or starting point.  Once I am clear on what my key value words are, then I make an intentional effort throughout the day to concentrate my energy, behaviour, decision making (big and small) and manner of overall presentation based on those qualities.

To make this a bit more concrete using myself as an example, the most salient "identity qualities" I am intentionally aligning with these days are the qualities of "Grace", "Productivity"  and "Fun" (not necessarily related to each other, but all big buzz words for me right now each in their own way) and so when faced with minute to minute decisions throughout the day, ranging from the mundane to bigger life questions, I consciously try to approach them from the vantage points of those qualities.  Part of doing this effectively is being very aware of what my thoughts are around the various choices I am making and constantly ensuring they are aligning with my focused identity words ( yes, I seem to talk to myself an awful lot lately!) 

 

Examples of this self alignment questioning might be:

1. What are the qualities I want to embody most today or in this situation? 
2. How would a graceful person handle or approach this situation/conflict/ conversation?
3. How would a productive person spend the next hour of free time best?
4. If I was being a productive person, what would be the first thing I would do right now?
5. What might be a fun way to motivate my kids in this situation?
6. What is the best meal choice for breakfast based on wanting to be productive today?
7. How would a graceful person carry herself in this meeting?
8. How do I speak with my child about this issue from a state of grace or fun versus frustration/irritability?
9. When I have felt more productive at other times in my life, what was I doing differently that I could start to do again now?
10. How can I bring more fun into the morning school routine?

 

I am not saying that every negative mood can always be turned around by doing just this, however I do find for both myself and for my clients it can be useful as a re-focusing/re-orientation tool for making better choices throughout the day, such that over time, all of those small choices add up to an overall improved physical/mental/emotional state of being.  At the very least, is a great way to practise the skill of living consciously and with intention, which is always at the foundation of creating lasting and positive change.