Are You Killing Your Confidence?

True confidence is one of those things we often see in other people and wish we had more of, but many times we don't realise that there are things we do to ourselves that kill the confidence we already posses and limit the confidence we are trying to develop.  I would like to discuss the six biggest things that negatively affect confidence the most in the people I work with.


1. Over Generalizing of the Negative:


Over Generalizing of the Negative is a default thought pattern many people turn to where they take a small imperfection and/or one bad experience they have within a situation and turn it into a globalized internal belief around their overall skill level such as "I forgot one part of my presentation therefore the whole thing went poorly and I am a terrible presenter"  or "I cheated on my eating plan today, therefore I will never become a healthy person"  or
" I did not get the last job I applied for so that means I will never find a job"  (Be watchful for words in your thinking like 'always' or 'never' - almost always the sign of an over generalization)  When you catch yourself in this kind of thinking, it is important to ask yourself how true are the conclusions you are drawing in reality -and what is the actual evidence that supports that whole conclusion.  If you were to look at yourself objectively as if you were a detached camera or from a fly on the wall perspective would what you see match that conclusion or is only a fraction of it true and if so, what is a better more realistic conclusion that can be drawn? 


2. All or Nothing Thinking:


Related to overgeneralizing is All or Nothing Thinking - the kissing cousin to Perfectionism, when one might feel that if they can't do something absolutely perfectly it means they have no business doing it at all.  This kind of thinking magnifies setbacks and small hurdles into gross stumbling blocks that hold all kinds of people back from trying or doing new things, or making small and steady improvements on things they are working on.  When this kind of thinking occurs it is important to remember that the idea of perfection is in many ways an impossible concept that does not need to be the end outcome goal for the things we want to try, and that something that isn't 100% perfect can still be excellent and have value.  Sometimes the real value in doing something is the gradual process of developing a fledgling skill and the learning involved in mistakes that happen along the way. 


3. Confirmation Bias and Negative Filter


Another huge thinking pitfall that kills confidence are two similar concepts of  Confirmation Bias and Negative Filter.  Confirmation Bias occurs when we carry a limiting Belief about our self or our skill level and then only notice and focus our attention on facts or evidence that "proves" or confirms that belief, and ignore all evidence that is to the contrary - e.g. only noticing and focusing the one person out of 100 texting during your presentation and ignoring the 99 who were listening attentively and then thinking "See, I knew I would bore people".  To the same effect,  a Negative Filter is when we look at all the feedback we receive around our efforts and only hang onto the parts that support our negative belief system filtering out all the rest e.g.  getting 1 poor evaluation after speaking and 27 positive ones and then thinking "I did a horrible job - that person hated what I did".  It is really important here again to look at the situation objectively and to remember that we don't always know the context of the feedback we get and that we shouldn't automatically personalize it- was the person texting responding to an emergency?  Had they just forgotten to turn off their phone?  Was the feedback on the poor evaluation actually valid or just mean spirited and if it was valid can it just be seen as room for growth and improvement and not a generalized attack on your skills?


4. Over Use of Self Comparison:


I work with many clients who hold themselves back because of their preoccupation with where they rank in comparison to other people in their professional fields or interpersonal peer group.  People can be quite brutal towards themselves when they view their own perceived worth against the backdrop of others' accomplishments, experience, educational level, professional or social status, fitness, age and physical appearance, and stop themselves from doing, trying and engaging in really great things in fear of being lesser than others.  I feel it is really important to focus our attention on our own individual goals and measures of success that we set for ourselves that are not externally referenced to others.  Setting small but important personal goals and building in ways of measuring and celebrating success for each stage of achievement is really helpful with this and just involves some "self coaching":  


1. What is it I want to do or try?
2. Why is this important to me or what is the value in this?
3. How will I know when I am successful or doing well?
4. If the goal is large long term or overwhelming, what are smaller steps within it that are achievable in the short term? 


It is also really important to consciously remind oneself that all people are unique and are in different places and stages on their life's journey, career path, education etc.  and that we are never 100% privy to their internal/external struggles, confidence levels, (it may interest you to know that I have worked with many very accomplished people who still lack their own internal confidence) existing support systems and the context as to why and how they may appear more accomplished or successful,  and at the end of the day, where they are is irrelevant to where you are on your own journey. 


5. Persistent Negative Self Talk:


My clients come to me because they want to achieve certain things but haven't (to this point) been able to.  I can't tell you how often I hear them say things in relation to their own goals like:

"I just cant do that kind of thing"

"It's just not that easy"

"I'm not that kind of person"

"That would be too hard"

"I'm not good at that"

"I'm too nervous"

"That would never work for me"

"I don't have those kind of skills"

"People don't see me that way"

These are the kinds of things people actually say out loud to me all the time - if this is what they are telling another person about themselves just imagine what they are saying to themselves in their own minds!  The words we use in our thoughts and speech form our feelings and resulting actions.  These words are, a lot of the time, representative of habitual speech and language patterns that create a negative inner recording loop that repeats over and over in the unconscious mind like a bad repeating soundtrack.  Imagine if a person was actually hearing these messages from a real person towards them all day every day - we would probably call that emotional abuse or bullying and yet this is what lots and lots of people do to themselves. 


When I hear this kind of self talk going on, the first thing I do is point out that these things are Beliefs (Limiting Beliefs) and are most likely not based in any actual fact.  We hold onto Limiting Beliefs because they are, most of the time, self protective and stop us from taking risks that might result in some kind of embarrassment.  The downside to that protection is that is goes too far and can prevent any kind of risk taking  " I am probably bad at that so I shouldn't try it and if I don't try it I won't fail at it." and it is this kind of thinking that keeps a lot of people unfortunately stuck and feeling badly about themselves. 


The nice thing about Limiting Beliefs is they can be changed and corrected because they are ultimately just habits, but like any habit, you have to be conscious of it and want to change it.  To help my clients start changing their Limiting Beliefs, I often request that they carry a little notebook around and record their inner self talk throughout the day, especially when they find themselves feeling low or nervous about something.  I have never had a client fail to be shocked at how pervasive and damaging their own self talk was once they actually saw what it was on paper.  After the initial consciousness raising occurs, the next step is to change the negative belief at work into a belief that is more true and empowering that still serves the same protective purpose as the limiting one but doesn't hold the person back  e.g. "I don't have the skills to do this" can be replaced with "I have the skills to take the first baby step" or "Everyone who accomplishes this has had to start at the beginning".  Changing beliefs takes time and practise but it definitely can be done.


6. Negative Visual Pictures


the last confidence killer I want to mention is the negative picture file we carry in our unconscious minds or the way we see our self in relation to the world around us.  When faced with situations or people who make us feel small or inferior, often there is a visual representation present in our minds that affects how we feel and ultimately act going into that situation.  If you can relate to a situation, person or group of people who seem to have a negative impact on your confidence, try bringing up a picture of yourself in that low-confidence scenario in your mind.  Try to recall the situation in as much detail as possible and then allow yourself to see it unfold as is if you are detached and watching it like a movie.  Watch yourself - how do you appear?  What is your body language like?  Do you look like you do in real life or different somehow (younger, older, from an earlier time period in your life etc.) Do you appear scared?  Helpless?  How do you appear in relation to others around you in the picture - do you look nervous while they seem relaxed?  Are they physically menacing?  Do you appear small and they appear large?  Is the picture in colour and you are in black and white?  These are some of the images my clients have seen when they have done this and are they ways they are surprised to learn that they perceive themselves in relation to their environments in certain situations. 

Once you are clear on the visual "Low Confidence You"  take a break from that picture and remember a time when you felt really relaxed and confident.  Repeat the process of watching this new movie but this time notice all the things about you that signify confidence.  Once that movie feels salient and complete, then go back to the low confidence movie and take out the "Low Confidence You" and Replace it with the "High Confidence Picture". Take a moment and watch how the whole scene mood and energy changes and adjusts to the confident you in a good way.  The final step is to merge yourself into the picture and feel yourself become the confident you in that scenario.  This may seem like a lot of mental gymnastics, but for extremely stressful and anxiety provoking situations, it is an extremely powerful and effective visualization technique that with practise can be done in under 5 minutes. 


When it comes to confidence, we are often our own worst enemies and self saboteurs so it's important to remember that thoughts impact feelings, feelings impact actions and actions ultimately impact outcomes so if we choose to think different thoughts that promote better overall confidence and better actions the actual outcomes we end up with can change for the better as well.