The first factor, and in my opinion the most important, is a fundamental misalignment with ones' own value system. Values are the qualities or essesnces that make up the fabric of our life experience e.g. peace, tranquility, adventure, fun, challenge, beauty etc. Our core values are at the heart and soul of who we are and what we are here to do. They are our guiding principles and are the basis for anything we are intrinsically motivated to expend energy towards.
The problem is that many of us are not consciously aware of what our values actually are - if asked what ones' top ten values are, many are hard pressed to name any off the top of our heads (I know, because believe me, I have asked a lot of people over the years!) - we just aren't used to thinking along these lines. In many ways we move through life in a kind of detached auto pilot, living unconnected from ourselves and making key decisions in alignment with external feedback. In essence we lose touch with our own internal operating system and what is truly important to us, and fall into alignment with value systems external to ourselves - perhaps the system of our spouse, our extended families, our employers, our social networks our community etc? Somewhere along the line we have forgotten how to listen first and foremost to ourselves and align with what is truly important and vital to our own state of well being.
When I listen to my clients, a reliable clue that indicates a value misalignment is the frequent use of the word "should" e.g. "I should have an immaculate house and so I spend all my time cleaning", "I am bored but should stay in this job for security purposes", Now please don't misunderstand, I am not neccessarily saying that any of these things are wrong - I myself enjoy a clean house, however, if preceded by a "should" chances are there is a lack of internal motivational energy behind these pursuits - in other words, we are not intrinsically connected to why we are doing them, and if we spend a good portion of our time doing things we are not motivated to do, that just in itself will create imbalance.
One way to address this tendency is to just start to listen to yourself for "shoulds" and challenge their validity and relevence to your life by asking self questions like:
"Why is doing this important to me right now?"
"How does this fit in with what is important to me right now?"
"Where do I want to invest my energy right now and why is that important?"
If the answer leads you in a positive direction or confirms something meaningful to you, then it is logical to keep investing energy in it as a pursuit. However, if the answer indicates that the energy investment is not important to you and is perhaps only to others, then you need to decide if it is an investment you are still willing to make, or alternatively, is there is something else you can be doing with that time and energy that would work and feel better for you.
Another factor contributing to imbalance is the presence of pervasive "Limiting Beliefs". Limiting beliefs are conclusions and statements we make to ourselves, that we hold out as truths or facts that have no actual basis in reality and hold us back in some way. Examples of limiting beliefs that contribute to imbalance are statements such as "If I take time away from my children to exercise then I am a bad parent" (I hear this one alot) or "If I do not complete my "To Do" list to perfection then I am a failure" or " I cannot delegate because the job will not be done as well as if I do it myself" or "If I ask for help I am weak or somehow deficient" - you get the idea. Many of us operate often unknowingly under these limiting beliefs, without taking the time to stop, listen and analyse their validity and the negative effect. We are also often really attached to these beliefs, as their underlying intention is usually protective or positive in some way, despite their negative outward manifestation.
An exercise I have many of my clients do to facilitate conscious discrimination around our belief system is to have them consciously start listening to their own self talk - a hard habbit to get into at first, but well worth it. Carrying around a small notebook and writing down thoughts, reasoning, self statements and impressions for a couple of days can be a very telling and effective way to get back into your own head. Once you have an idea of some of the limiting beliefs you are carrying, then you can ask yourself what the underlying positive intention might be - is the intention behind feeling guilt over going the gym to make you a more engaged parent? Is the pressure over a completed "To Do" list intended to motivate productivity? Once you know the intention, you can choose a more adaptive belief that still fulfills the orriginal intention e.g. " Going to the gym makes me happier and healthier and therefore a more engaged and energetic parent" or " Delegating tasks empowers others to be more effective".
The third major contributing factor I often see when people are out of balance is ineffective time management and unrealistic expectations with regards to the "To Do" list mentioned earlier. I meet with many people who report being chronically overwhelmed by the list of things they feel they should accomplish in a day. Often they describe their "To Do" list as a noisy jumble of urgent tasks floating around menacingly in their heads. They set out to be productive and mentally start going over what needs to be done and are instantly overwhelmed, not knowing how or where to start, subsequently shutting down and accomplishing little.
One effective solution I have found is the use of a qualified "To Do" List. A mistake people make is not taking the time at the beginning of the day, to quickly analyse the things on their list and qualify them into their need and importance, the result being an abstact list full of tasks competing for top priority that is often unrealistic and impossible to achieve. Taking 5 minutes to break your list down into qualified categories is a really simple way of prioritising, gaining perspective and keeping it real. The three categories I use with my clients are:
1. Things that need to happen today: (urgent and important) Note: urgent implies something that is time sensitive not just urgent because you want it to happen
2. Things that ideally would happen today but can wait if need be (important but not urgent)
3. Things that would be nice if they happened but can also be done later (not urgent and not important)
Once broken down into prioritised categories, the list will seem less overwhelming and become more realistic, manageable and achievable.
Life these days is certainly demanding and full of pressures and balance is one of those things that naturally waxes and wanes over time - even for Life Coaches - yes its true, but living more consciously in touch with our thoughts and feelings and in alignment with the things that are truly important and meaningful to us makes maintaining a healthier and balanced fluctuation an achievable reality.
