Getting Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable

Recently, I have been doing a lot of thinking and talking about the concept of pushing one's limits and breaking out of "the comfort zone".  In my work as a coach, my job is to get my clients to examine the limiting patterns and beliefs that are holding them back and keeping them stuck and to then push through those patterns so they achieve the goals and outcomes they are after.  Getting people to push their limits is, in some ways, really hard to do, and the reason is called RESISTANCE.  In every coaching process, resistance inevitably pops up at one point or another, whereby after making some good progress, the client all of a sudden starts doubting their goal or starts doing things that actually block the goal sabotaging their own result. 

Putting up barriers and blocking progress towards what we want to achieve may seem counter intuitive, but the intention is self protective in nature, despite its negative outcome.  We are all largely driven by self protection, and the limits we put in place for ourselves are usually motivated by our deepest fears with some kind of protective purpose, but the problem is that moving forward and achieving big things in our lives demands a certain level of risk and change.  In other words, the fear of failure and the fear of success are really two sides of the same coin - we unconsciously fear making progress and creating change because we know that on some level it will involve moving out of our comfort zone and taking risks, and so part way through our achieving a goal it becomes really tempting to back off, stay complacent and take the path of least resistance where we can be safe and seemingly comfortable.  This is where we might hear ourselves saying, "Things aren't that bad, so why bother?",  "Is this worth the risk/discomfort - maybe things are ok the way they are?"  For most people, the answer is no, things are not ok the way they are, which is why they were looking for change in the first place, but the overwhelming need to stay safe and comfortable is what's running the show. 

So how do you know if it is time to start pushing your own limits and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable?  Perhaps you have been feeling bored or uninspired with your regular routine?  Maybe you are feeling as though something is missing?  Maybe there is an idea you keep avoiding about something you want to change or try for the first time?  Maybe you have already achieved a moderate degree of success and are stuck in a place of "Now what - should I do more or just be happy with where I'm at?"  If any of these are feeling familiar, one of the first things you can do to move through your own resistance is to really start being honest about what you really want and what fears are holding you back. 

We are afraid of all kinds of things - embarrassment, showing strong emotion, making wrong choices, looking foolish or incompetent, losing control, being overwhelmed, going through uncomfortable change, feeling judgement from others - the list goes on and on, but ask yourself what you are afraid of and why? Is that fear still relevant in your life or are you in a different place now with new skills and resources?  Is holding onto that fear and letting it run you truly helping you or is it holding you back in a way that is creating more damage in your life?  The answers are different for everybody, but chances are, if you are feeling stuck or dissatisfied with some area of your life, there is fear and resistance of some kind  blocking you from making positive change. 

Once you know what fears are running you, you can consciously decide to release or overcome them and move forward.  For some it's about baby steps and breaking down their goals into bite size pieces that don't trigger as much fear, and for others it feels more right to charge forward and push through their fears all at once.  What ever way you choose is just fine as long as somehow you find a way to create the change you really want to have - if the outcome is something that is meaningful to you, getting over the fear is really worth it vs. staying safe and "comfortable" in dissatisfaction.  When you push your limits and challenge yourself in positive ways, there is always value no matter what, even if things don't go exactly as planned.  Maybe you will uncover a new or lost skill or inner resources you didn't know you had?  Perhaps you will learn more about yourself and find out you are stronger or more resilient then you think?  Maybe you will connect with a part of you that's become lost over the years?  What if taking on a new challenge opens you up to new influences, ideas and opportunities? What if going outside your safe zone leads you in an exciting direction you hadn't thought of before?  Don't you want to find out in your life sooner than later?  I know that I certainly don't want to be at the end of my life looking back regretfully at not having tried or done something I wanted to do based solely on fear. Doesn't the idea of that just seem unacceptable when you think about it in that way?   
  
In that light, I want to personally share that I will be pushing myself way out of a comfortable place over the next year.  Being at a stage in my own life where I have already achieved many of my personal and professional goals, I have found myself looking for an exciting and limit pushing challenge to take me to a new level in my personal development (I have learned that I am definitely a "so now what?" kind of person).  I have committed to a one year process of training for and competing in the 2013 Spartan Challenge - a 5km obstacle course mud-race (totally crazy) designed to test one's psychical and mental endurance and strength.  Anyone who knows me will agree that this goal is 100% outside of my comfort zone - so much so, I can honestly say I am absolutely terrified at the thought of it.  All of my deepest fears are present and in living colour here - public embarrassment, looking weak, foolish or incompetent, showing strong emotion, physical pain and trauma - it's a one stop shop of fear for me!!  However, having said that, above and beyond my terror, is a whole new sense of vitality, adventure and excitement attached to trying something beyond my comfortable limits and that is even more motivating for me now than the need to protect myself.  It is going to be really tough - I mean really really tough, and I know that I will resist, doubt and probably hate this goal multiple times along the way, but I know that what will keep me going is the promise of all the things to be gained from the experience. 

So, enough about me, why not ask yourself today, where is the limit of your own comfort, how will you begin to push on it and how great will it be when you are through it on the other side?

Training Your Unconscious To Think Better Thoughts

A large part of what I do as a coach is to listen very closely to the language and words people use when they speak.  The importance of  this is that our words are an outward illustration of our inner thoughts, dialogues and images we carry in our unconscious, that in turn shape our feelings, attitudes and behaviour.  I believe that there is a constant reciprocal relationship that flows between our conscious and unconscious minds - we consciously think a thought that forms our speech and the corresponding mental picture, that picture is sent to the unconscious, is stored there and becomes the template or foundation for future actions, feelings or thoughts. 

Awareness of this process is critical when trying to initiate some kind of positive change.  If we engage in a negative view of ourselves or our life situations, it creates a negative picture in our minds - almost like an internal movie screen that is playing over and over again in our conscious and unconscious.  The problem is that on some level, we start buying in to these pictures and forming our actions and responses in alignment with what we are seeing. 
For example, let's say that a person is looking for a new job, but is internalizing negative messages about the likelihood of finding that job.  The conscious thought might be something like " I am not going to find a new job - it is too hard right now in this market."  Once this thought is formed and/or stated, a mental picture enters the unconscious, becoming the image the person carries around that then influences their beliefs, attitudes and actions.  So following the same job search example, when thinking of writing cover letters or sending out applications, this picture is still there unconsciously, and it starts to affect the energy and motivation the person exerts to the extent that it might even dissuade them from writing that letter or application e.g. " If I am not going to find a job, why should I bother trying?", and there begins the downward spiral. 

So ok, I am not saying that if you just "think positively" everything will work out and it is the magic solution to your problems and challenges, but I am saying that by making an effort to form our thoughts and speech more constructively we send a message to the unconscious mechanisms that drive our thoughts and behaviours that then support and align with a positive outcome. 

Now, you might be feeling skeptical about the degree to which we can control our unconscious minds and so I want to share a story from my own life that may help illustrate this as, at least, a possibility.  My 6 year old son, has a very active dream life, but has unfortunately been plagued by nightmares almost every night for the past few years.  A couple of months ago, he was crying before bed, telling me that he was afraid to go to sleep, because he knew that he would have a bad dream.  I told him that I had a very special trick he could try that would help and that by using this trick, he could control whether or not he had a bad dream.  The trick went like this:  I asked him to think of a picture or image of something that was not scary and that made him very happy (he picked a rainbow - so cute)  and right before bed, to imagine that this happy picture was floating right above his head.  When he could see or feel it there, I asked him then to imagine that the top of his head gently opened up and that the happy picture came down and filled up his mind and that by doing this, there was no longer any more room for bad or scary dreams.  He took this very seriously, and said he would have to go into the bathroom and look in the mirror so he could watch himself bring the image down into his head - I said "OK, if that works for you, why not".  We had success right from the very first night, bringing us to the present where every night, as part of his bedtime routine, he goes and does what he calls his "Rainbow Thinking" in the bathroom.  I am not allowed to watch this ritual, however, from what I hear from outside the door, it's possible that there might be some kind of a dance move involved too - whatever helps I suppose.  I am happy to report that there has not been a bad dream in over two months, except for the one night when he said he forgot to do his routine. 

The point of this story is that I believe by consciously implanting a more happy thought in his mind, and believing that it would work, my son was able to change the focus and direction his unconscious mind was habitually prone to resulting in a positive outcome for him and a feeling of greater control and resourcefulness - if a six year old can do it then I think we can too with a little conscious effort and willingness to suspend disbelief. 

I invite you to start listening to yourself for the words you use and the thoughts you think - what messages are you sending to your own unconscious and how are these messages manifesting in your outward life?  If the answer isn't a good one, start training your two minds to think better thoughts that support where you want to be - you never know, a rainbow might appear in your unconscious when you least expect it. 

Addressing Imbalance

Frequently, I work with clients who are struggling to maintain "Life Balance".  While this has become a frequent and commonplace term, actually achieving it, still seems to be elusive for many.  I think that in order to properly look at ways of achieving balance, the causes of imbalance must first be addressed.  Speaking from my own experience with clients and the issues they struggle with, the following are the most common factors I observe, that contribute to stress, anxiety and an overall feeling of a non-balanced or fulfilled life. 

The first factor, and in my opinion  the most important, is a fundamental misalignment with ones' own value system.  Values are the qualities or essesnces that make up the fabric of our life experience e.g. peace, tranquility, adventure, fun, challenge, beauty etc.  Our core values are at the heart and soul of who we are and what we are here to do.  They are our guiding principles and are the basis for anything we are intrinsically motivated to expend energy towards. 

The problem is that many of us are not consciously aware of what our values actually are - if asked what ones' top ten values are, many are hard pressed to name any off the top of our heads (I know, because believe me, I have asked a lot of people over the years!) - we just aren't used to thinking along these lines.  In many ways we move through life in a kind of detached auto pilot, living unconnected from ourselves and making key decisions in alignment with external feedback.  In essence we lose touch with our own internal operating system and what is truly important to us, and fall into alignment with value systems external to ourselves - perhaps the system of our spouse, our extended families, our employers, our social networks our community etc?  Somewhere along the line we have forgotten how to listen first and foremost to ourselves and align with what is truly important and vital to our own state of well being.  

When I listen to my clients, a reliable clue that indicates a value misalignment is the frequent use of the word "should" e.g. "I should have an immaculate house and so I spend all my time cleaning", "I am bored but should stay in this job for security purposes",  Now please don't misunderstand, I am not neccessarily saying that any of these things are wrong - I myself enjoy a clean house, however, if preceded by a "should" chances are there is a lack of internal motivational energy behind these pursuits - in other words, we are not intrinsically connected to why we are doing them, and if we spend a good portion of our time doing things we are not motivated to do, that just in itself will create imbalance. 

One way to address this tendency is to just start to listen to yourself for "shoulds" and challenge their validity and relevence to your life by asking self questions like: 

"Why is doing this important to me right now?" 

"How does this fit in with what is important to me right now?" 

"Where do I want to invest my energy right now and why is that important?"

If the answer leads you in a positive direction or confirms something meaningful to you, then it is logical to keep investing energy in it as a pursuit.  However, if the answer indicates that the energy investment is not important to you and is perhaps only to others, then you need to decide if it is an investment you are still willing to make, or alternatively, is there is something else you can be doing with that time and energy that would work and feel better for you.  

Another factor contributing to imbalance is the presence of  pervasive "Limiting Beliefs".  Limiting beliefs are conclusions and statements we make to ourselves, that we hold out as truths or facts that have no actual basis in reality and hold us back in some way.  Examples of limiting beliefs that contribute to imbalance are statements such as "If I take time away from my children to exercise then I am a bad parent" (I hear this one alot) or "If I do not complete my "To Do" list to perfection then I am a failure"  or " I cannot delegate because the job will not be done as well as if I do it myself" or "If I ask for help I am weak or somehow deficient"  -  you get the idea.  Many of us operate often unknowingly under these limiting beliefs, without taking the time to stop, listen and analyse their validity and the negative effect.  We are also often really attached to these beliefs, as their underlying intention is usually protective or positive in some way, despite their negative outward manifestation. 

An exercise I have many of my clients do to facilitate conscious discrimination around our belief system is to have them  consciously start listening to their own self talk - a hard habbit to get into at first, but well worth it.  Carrying around a small notebook and writing down thoughts, reasoning, self statements and impressions for a couple of days can be a very telling and effective way to get back into your own head.  Once you have an idea of some of the limiting beliefs you are carrying, then you can ask yourself what the underlying positive intention might be - is the intention behind feeling guilt over going the gym to make you a more engaged parent?  Is the pressure over a completed "To Do" list intended to motivate productivity?  Once you know the intention, you can choose a more adaptive belief that still fulfills the orriginal intention e.g. " Going to the gym makes me happier and healthier and therefore a more engaged and energetic parent" or " Delegating tasks empowers others to be more effective".

The third major contributing factor I often see when people are out of balance is ineffective time management and unrealistic expectations with regards to the "To Do" list mentioned earlier.  I meet with many people who report being chronically overwhelmed by the list of things they feel they should accomplish in a day.  Often they describe their "To Do" list as a noisy jumble of urgent tasks floating around menacingly in their heads.  They set out to be productive and mentally start going over what needs to be done and are instantly overwhelmed, not knowing how or where to start, subsequently shutting down and accomplishing little. 

One effective solution I have found is the use of a qualified "To Do" List.  A mistake people make is not taking the time at the beginning of the day, to quickly analyse the things on their list and qualify them into their need and importance, the result being an abstact list full of tasks competing for top priority that is often unrealistic and impossible to achieve.  Taking 5 minutes to break your list down into qualified categories is a really simple way of prioritising, gaining perspective and keeping it real.  The three categories I use with my clients are: 

1. Things that need to happen today: (urgent and important) Note: urgent implies something that is time sensitive not just urgent because you want it to happen 

2. Things that ideally would happen today but can wait if need be (important but not urgent)

3. Things that would be nice if they happened but can also be done later (not urgent and not important) 

Once broken down into prioritised categories, the list will seem less overwhelming and become more realistic, manageable and achievable. 

Life these days is certainly demanding and full of pressures and balance is one of those things that naturally waxes and wanes over time - even for Life Coaches - yes its true, but living more consciously in touch with our thoughts and feelings and in alignment with the things that are truly important and meaningful to us makes maintaining a healthier and balanced fluctuation an achievable reality.